girl least likely to

"how many times have i been around ?
recycled papers paving the ground
well, she lives for the written word
and people come second, or possibly third

and there is no style, but i say "well done"
to the girl least likely to
oh, deep in my heart, how i wish i was wrong
but deep in my heart, i know i am not
and there's enough gloom in her world, i'm certain
without my contribution

so i sit, and i smile, and i say "well done"
to the girl least likely to
page after page of sniping rage
an english singe or an american tinge
"there's a publisher," she said, "...in the new year"
(it's never in this year)

i do think this, but i can't admit it
to the girl least likely to
so one more song with no technique
one more song which seems all wrong ...
and oh, the news is bad again
see me as i am again

and the scales of justice sway one way
in the rooms of those least likely to
oh, deep in my heart, how i want to be wrong
but the moods and the styles too frequently change
from 21 to 25, from 25 to 29

and i sit, and i smile, and i say "well done"
to the girl least likely to
oh, one more song about the queen
or standing around the shops with thieves
"but somebody's got to make it !" she screams
"so why why can't it be me ?"
but she would die if we heard her sing from the heart
which is hurt

so how many times will i shed a tear ?
and another stage of verse to cheer
when you shine in the public eye, my dear
please remember these nights
when i sit and support with a dutiful smile
because there's nothing i can say
so chucking, churning, and turning the knife
on everything (except their own life)
and a clock somewhere strikes midnight
and an explanation - it drains me
if only there could be a way

there is a different mood all over the world
a different youth, unfamiliar views
and dearest, it could all be for you
so will you come down and i'll meet you ?
and with no more poems, with nothing to hear
oh darling, it's all for you...
darling, it's all for you ...
oh darling, it's all for you ... "

[morrissey]

MY LIFE WITH MORRISSEY

so last night i had a dream (the second, in as many weeks) where i met up and hung out with morrissey. normally, it isn't anything i'd make a big deal of , and especially not anything i'd feel compelled to publicize, but these dreams have been so unbelievable vivid and .. well, 'real', i guess, that i can't stop thinking about them.. last night, in the dream, i was in what seemed like a museum or gallery of some sort, and i saw him across the room, looking at whatever was hanging on the walls.. he was dressed in darkish clothing and alone, and much, much taller than i'd ever imagined him being.. i remember sort of obsessing over whether or not i should go say something to him, and ultimately, i decided i had to, because "i might never have an opportunity like this again" ... i went up to him and quietly said , "um, excuse me..?" and prepared for the worst... and in true morrissey fashion, he made a big show of turning towards me, redirecting his attention from whatever it was he was looking at, heaved an exasperated, knowing sigh ("ugh, one of the little people. .. i wonder what this one wants? being famous is simply dreadful"), and said, "Yes?" ... i said something like , "um, i'm so sorry to bother you, it's just that i saw you in [one of the towns i'd seen him in ] and you were amazing; i just wanted to tell you ..." .. and apparently, hi made the right call in kissing his ass a little bit, because i remember him relaxing and opening up a bit and maybe even looking a little embarrassed... he thanked me, i think, and i went on, "um... i also saw you in [xxx].... and [xxx].... and [xxx]... i saw you kind of a lot, actually.. every show was incredible.. thank you so much," ... and it gets a little hazy there; it's all just bits and pieces that i remember after that, but i know i ended up hanging out with him; we left the gallery/museum/wherever together, and i remember walking into what was meant to be his record company, and he breezed right past the security/reception desk and through a door, and i followed him.. the person at the desk called after me, "band grade?" and morrissey answered, "B", and we ended up in some room with a bunch of chairs in a circle and some music-y looking people , none of whom i recognized ... it looked like group therapy... i forget what happened next, but i remember we had a really good time and got on very well together .... in the first dream, all i really remember is preparing a plate of romaine letuce leaves for him.. they had to be cut and washed just so... i stood at an island in some kitchen somewhere and we chatted as i basically 'crafted' the lettuce into what he wanted, then i presented it to him and i think i woke up shortly thereafter.


anyway.... yeah. crazy. both times, i woke up feeling as though i really knewn him ... i guess it's just full-blown obsessive fanhood, but it's ..i dunno. kind of neat, i guess.

sound familiar?

Indigo Adult Characteristics

* Are intelligent, though may not have had top grades.

* Are very creative and enjoy making things.

* Always need to know WHY, especially why they are being asked to do something.

* Had disgust and perhaps loathing for much of the required and repetitious work in school.

* Were rebellious in school in that they refused to do homework and rejected authority of teachers, OR seriously wanted to rebel, but didn't DARE, usually due to parental pressure.

* May have experienced early existential depression and feelings of helplessness. These may have ranged from sadness to utter despair. Suicidal feelings while still in high school or younger are not uncommon in the Indigo Adult.

* Have difficulty in service-oriented jobs. Indigos resist authority and caste system of employment.

* Prefer leadership positions or working alone to team positions.

* Have deep empathy for others, yet an intolerance of stupidity.

* May be extremely emotionally sensitive including crying at the drop of a hat (no shielding) Or may be the opposite and show no expression of emotion (full shielding).

* May have trouble with RAGE.

* Have trouble with systems they consider broken or ineffective, ie. political, educational, medical, and legal.

* Alienation from or anger with politics - feeling your voice won't count and/or that the outcome really doesn't mattter.

* Frustration with or rejection of the traditional American dream - 9-5 career, marriage, 2.5 children, house with white picket fence, etc.

* Anger at rights being taken away, fear and/or fury at "Big Brother watching you."

* Have a burning desire to do something to change and improve the world. May be stymied what to do. May have trouble identifying their path.

* Have psychic or spiritual interest appear fairly young - in or before teen years.

* Had few if any Indigo role models. Having had some doesn't mean you're not an indigo, though.

* Have strong intuition.

* Random behavior pattern or mind style - (symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder). May have trouble focusing on assigned tasks, may jump around in conversations.

* Have had psychic experiences, such as premonitions, seeing angels or ghosts, out of body experiences, hearing voices.

* May be electrically sensitive such as watches not working and street lights going out as you move under them, electrical equipment malfunctioning and lights blowing out.

* May have awareness of other dimensions and parallel realities.

* Sexually are very expressive and inventive OR may reject sexuality in boredom or with intention of achieving higher spiritual connection. May explore alternative types of sexuality.

* Seek meaning to their life and understanding about the world May seek this through religion or spirituality, spiritual groups and books, self-help groups and books.

* When they find balance they may become very strong, healthy, happy individuals.


Please note, anyone could have a few of these traits, but Indigo Adults have most or all of these 25 characteristics.

ENNUI

my mom asked my ten year old brother what the meaning of life was

he said "to live it"





that's it.

NIGHTCAP [DOUBLE "WHAT-IF" ON THE ROCKS] [NO CHASER]

1. what if i've just been completely wrong about all of it,for all this time?




2. ... what if i haven't?




[ put that in yr pipe and smoke it]

[ watch out it's gonna burn]

outside the box is the new inside the box


destroy the box

GEE, THANKS A LOT

Near Future: Knight of Rods
© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING

Be certain you are not entering into this adventure whimsically, because you will soon be tested on the issues of commitment and relationship.

The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies.

The Knight of Wands (in some decks, a Prince) in this position suggests that some sort of quest may be coming up for you. You may soon have an opportunity to undertake a life-changing relationship challenge that no immature person could succeed in. Whether you succeed in this noble quest or just have an interesting experience, others will be affected. Since this not a rehearsal you need to be respectful of those souls you encounter along the way.

Minimum requirements for success in the upcoming relationship are a relentlessly positive outlook and boundless energy to start over again, regardless of how many times it takes. Try to live up to your better, forgiving self more often than you are brought down by your smaller, critical self. Search your soul and conscience before you accept this important assignment. Then proceed wholeheartedly, trusting that you will be given the help, wisdom and inspiration you need as the adventure unfolds.

************************************************************************

.............


........


.....


ummm..



.......................


.......so.

'a noble quest',is it?? ....................

...... okay.

fine.

but it better not look anything like this:

OMG <3 <3 <3 <3

WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF!

"In the face of Iran's race to obtain nuclear power, Israel signed a contract with Germany last month to buy two Dolphin-class submarines that will, according to foreign reports, provide superior second-strike nuclear capabilities, The Jerusalem Post has learned." [click for more]
... s econd-strike capabilities.... because sometimes, one nuclear assault just isn't enough.


[HA... beat you to it]

“I have fifty different hearts/They’re all in fifty different drawers/When you come calling, I always put the purple one on/If I dump all fifty on the living room floor/Would you say clean up the mess before I get home?”

[tori amos]

<3 HST

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up." hunter s. thompson, 2004.

one more thing before i go

[side note: apologies for all the typos, but the edit window is not appearing in my browser properly and some characters don't show up as i type thjem, others show up twice,.it's a huge mess, and i don't care anymore .. i'm not drunk or anything]

the thing about all this spiritual/metaphysical stuff, and i don't really knnow how to say this without sounding conceited,but that's so not how i mean for it to come across, is that i could really be a good resource for anyone who was interested in learning more about it.. i have a lot of knowledge (some inherent, some learned) about things like energy manipulation and emotional/spiritual healing [i.e. aromatheraphy, crystals, herbs,etc] ... there are a lot of things that i just seem to 'know' or understand on somne cowhole other level; things sometimes just occur to me, seemingly out of nowhere, and it's like.. i don't know. i just know them to be true, or right, or whatever ... but this is all the stuff i never talk about, because it's the stuff that makes people think i'm totally loopy ...and i have absolutely no interest in 'proving myself' ' to anyone as far as this shit is concerned, because for me, it's a fact of life. it's my reality, period, point blank, end of story.. but it's not everybody's; a lot of people are firmly indoctrinated to the 'materialist-reductionist' view, which sees reality as something that exists in the physical world, as opposed to something that occurs in our consciousness ... it's basically what most of us have been taught to believe, but .. fuck, man, it's so shitty to limit ourselves like that.... i mean.... if you define a set of physical boundaries for 'reality', you're always going to be limited in what you see oand feel and accomplish and experience .... but the truth is, there are no limits beyond those that any of us impose on ourselves. none. none, whatsoever...... imagine the possibilities! .... but hardly anybody does ... and not only is that a shame, because they're missing out on so much.. it makes things pretty fucking dull for people like me who don't want to be confined to talking about or experiencing things on just one level ... there are a lot more than just three dimensions,.. there are 10, 11, or 12 dimensions in total,depending on who you ask... how ridiculous, to limit ourselves to just three.. .. some people are simply incapable of experiencing anything on a higher level ,at least until they resolve the issues/karma/lessons/etc. they're dealing with .. it really is all just a game, you know... and as anyone who spent the better part of their childhood with a nintendo controller in their hand is well aware, any game with progressive levels requires you to defeat some boss or other at the end of each in order to level up, unless you use the whistle or find a warp zone or have a game genie or whatever.... well, ultimately, as much as i'm sure we'd all like to think that it's infinitely more complex and significant and meaningful than super mario 3 or whatever, 'real life' works the exact same way


i've said too much

bustin' out

i have this fantasy where i wake up one morning [or, okay, evening, realistically] a,get in my car, start driving, and never look back. it will never happen like that, but it's fun to imagine. tonight, i am modifying/downsizing that fantasy to adapt to the unfortunate practicalities of the reality i am currently experiencing [the one in which i have certain responsibilities and obligations and connections i can't just abandon, although the more i think about it, the less i can ignore the fact that i really am the only thing standing ni my way , and that it would be infinitely less difficult to turn my whole life upside-down [or downside-up or inside -out or whatever] than i allow myself to believe ... no, not believe ; accept. there are a lot of conflicts, still,between the beliefs/values i feel intrinsically [and have always felt] and those i have been exposed to/imprinted with over the course of my life ... the major problem is that i know exactly what i'd do if i existed in a vacuum and none of my actyiions were going to have any ef impact on anybody else.. disappoint anybody.. confuse anybody.. hurt anybody.. etc. ... but i don't exist in a vacuum, even if i sometimes act like i do... and i try really hard to be rmindful of that fact, and considerate of those around me.. particularly those i care about.... and, okay, at the heart of it,really, t99% of the time, is, "but what my mother going to think about that?" ... ironic, since i think she thinks i don't factor her in at all when it comes to making lifedecisions and whatnot .... and sad, because i'm sure all she ultimately really wants is for me to be happy, and all i really want is for her to be proud of me.. or, no, approve of me, at least .. so i'm sacrificing my personal happiness to try to make her happy, trying to finish school and whatnot,and i am failing miserably, and nobody's happy .... whereas if i were doing what i really wanted to be doing, chances are i would eventually be successful with it, as that's how things tend to work out (Whether you choose to see/accept that is your own deal,but you're probably gonna have a long and difficult and ultimately wholly unfulfilling existence if you don't) ... and i'd be happy, and she;'d see that, and she'd be happy , and..... okay.

i know what to do now.

turn on, tune in, drop out.


but first, i'm going for a drive.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH

Twelve Signs of Spiritual Awakening
By Geoffrey Hoppe and Tobias

1. Body aches and pains, especially in the neck, shoulder and back. This is the result of intense changes at your DNA level as the "Christ seed" awakens within. This too shall pass.

2. Feeling of deep inner sadness for no apparent reason. You are releasing your past (this lifetime and others) and this causes the feeling of sadness. This is similar to the experience of moving from a house where you lived in for many, many years into a new house. As much as you want to move into the new house, there is a sadness of leaving behind the memories, energy and experiences of the old house. This too shall pass.

3. Crying for no apparent reason. Similar to #2 above. It's good and healthy to let the tears flow. It helps to release the old energy within. This too shall pass.

4. Sudden change in job or career. A very common symptom. As you change, things around you will change as well. Don't worry about finding the "perfect" job or career right now. This too shall pass. You're in transition and you may make several job changes before you settle into one that fits your passion.

5. Withdrawal from family relationships. You are connected to your biological family via old karma. When you get off the karmic cycle, the bonds of the old relationships are released. It will appear as though you are drifting away from your family and friends. This too shall pass. After a period of time, you may develop a new relationship with them if it is appropriate. However, the relationship will be based in the new energy without the karmic attachments.

6. Unusual sleep patterns. It's likely that you'll awaken many nights between 2:00 and 4:00 AM. There's a lot of work going on within you, and it often causes you to wake up for a "breather." Not to worry. If you can't go back to sleep, get up and do something rather than lay in bed and worry about humanly things. This too shall pass.

7. Intense dreams. These might include war and battle dreams, chase dreams or monster dreams. You are literally releasing the old energy within, and these energies of the past are often symbolized as wars, running to escape and boogiemen. This too shall pass.

8. Physical disorientation. At times you'll feel very ungrounded. You'll be "spatially challenged" with the feeling like you can't put two feet on the ground, or that you're walking between two worlds. As your consciousness transitions into the new energy, you body sometimes lags behind. Spend more time in nature to help ground the new energy within. This too shall pass.

9. Increased "self talk." You'll find yourself talking to your Self more often. You'll suddenly realize you've been chattering away with yourself for the past 30 minutes. There is a new level of communication taking place within your being, and you're experiencing the tip of the iceberg with the self talk. The conversations will increase, and they will become more fluid, more coherent and more insightful. You're not going crazy, you're just Shaumbra moving into the new energy.

10. Feelings of loneliness, even when in the company of others. You may feel alone and removed from others. You may feel the desire to "flee" groups and crowds. As Shaumbra, you are walking a sacred and lonely path. As much as the feelings of loneliness cause you anxiety, it is difficult to relate to others at this time. The feelings of loneliness are also associated with the fact that your Guides have departed. They have been with you on all of your journeys in all of your lifetimes. It was time for them to back away so you could fill your space with your own divinity. This too shall pass. The void within will be filled with the love and energy of your own Christ consciousness.

11. Loss of passion. You may feel totally disimpassioned, with little or no desire to do anything. That's OK, and it's just part of the process. Take this time to "do no-thing." Don't fight yourself on this, because this too shall pass. It's similar to rebooting a computer. You need to shut down for a brief period of time in order to load the sophisticated new software, or in this case, the new Christ-seed energy.

12. A deep longing to go Home. This is perhaps the most difficult and challenging of any of the conditions. You may experience a deep and overwhelming desire to leave the planet and return to Home. This is not a "suicidal" feeling. It is not based in anger or frustration. You don't want to make a big deal of it or cause drama for yourself or other. There is a quiet part of you that wants to go Home. The root cause for this is quite simple. You have completed your karmic cycles. You have completed your contract for this lifetime. You are ready to begin a new lifetime while still in this physical body. During this transition process, you have an inner remembrance of what it is like to be on the other side. Are you ready to enlist for another tour of duty here on Earth? Are you ready to take on the challenges of moving into the New Energy? Yes, indeed you could go Home right now. But you've come this far, and after many, many lifetimes it would be a shame to leave before the end of the movie. Besides, Spirit needs you here to help others transition into the new energy. They will need a human guide, just like you, who has taken the journey from the old energy into the new. The path you're walking right now provides the experiences to enable you to become a Teacher of the New Divine Human. As lonely and dark as your journey can be at times, remember that you are never alone.

I'LL BUY IT [WELL.. IF IT'S ON SALE]

OLD SOULS

"[...] They perceive that it is all a game, a contrived situation, and they no longer want to play the game. They feel like they have seen it all, so what is there left to live for? The material pursuits of Young souls seem quite futile to them, so what is there to get interested in? Even the Mature soul's excitement about newfound truth seems passé to Old souls. This ennui can severely limit an Old soul's happiness and well-being, and be a source of misunderstanding for younger souls who are enjoying life. Whether he understands it consciously or not in terms of reincarnation, the Old soul simply wants to graduate from the physical plane, and go on to new and better things in the higher planes. [...]"

---

'm not really big on talking about 'spirituality' and shit, but not because i don't think it's important.. and not even because i can't or won't discuss my views and beliefs.. it's just such a personal and subjective thing.. there's so muchroom for misinterpretation... it's a conversational minefield, at least potentially, especially if someone insists on bringing stupid 'religion' into it.... ugh. don't get me started. anyway, my feelings about this sort of thing are constantly evolving. i don't have 'beliefs' so much as 'working hypotheses', and i would never claim that any of them are the "right"/"true" /"only" way; only that they're right for me, and that's all i'm really concerned with. everyone else can go jump in a river, or wear headscarves, or get business degrees, or whatever; i could give a shit, as long as they don't get all big-headed and self-righteous and holier-than-thou and start blowing up [physically or psychologically] anybody who doesn't worship whatever they worship,or offering 'salvation', or asking for money.. those people can go fuck themselves, and then they can feel guilty about it.. at least until their next confession...

---

anyway. that article ithat excerpt came from is about old souls [duh] ... alll my life, people [unusual ones, mostly] have told me -- usually in a very offhand, matter-of-fact way -- that i'm an 'old soul', and i generally regarded the phrase as just an expression, regardless of how it wasi inteended... a few years ago, however, the bad taste that 15 years of catholocism had left in my mouth finally started to subside, and i became more open-minded about spirituality [before that, i refused to differentiate between religious beliefs and spiritual ones, and i regarded them both with equal contempt), and i looked up some stuff about souls and soulmates and soul groups and soul ages... it makes for interesting reading.., if nothing else, but i actually got a lot out of it.. another reason id don't really talk about it much, though,is because i'm afraid people will think i'm crazy, or laugh in my face, when to be honest, it's something i take pretty seriously, and spend a lot of time contemplating..so i'll just end this here, for now, and leave you to draw your own conclusions.

http://www.lightworker.org [similar to the site the aforementioned article came from]

FALLREADY?!!

it feels like fall, or it's starting to, anyway.

i apologize to anyone who's tried to get in tuch and hasn't been able to. ; i'm taking a few personal days, but i'll be back shortly.....new and/or improved[?]

IT'S "'CEMETRY' GATES", DOUCHEBAG

Which Smiths Song Are You?

You're "Cemetary Gates" ! You're smarter than other people, with their trite romanticized ideas about things. You have a wicked sense of satire.
Take this quiz!








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SOMETIMES TAROT.COM'S POSITIVE OUTLOOK AND SAGE-LIKE ADVICE ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT KEEP ME GOING

... KINDLY ALLOW ME TO SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL.. MAYBE IT WILL BE HELPFUL TO SOMEONE ELSE.

[ALL CAPS IS THE NEW NO CAPS.]

---

Near Future: Five of Cups

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Situations change and setbacks occur. While you accept that as the nature of the game, it doesn't mean the outcome will be unsatisfactory.

The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies.

With the Five of Cups in this position, you are called upon to temper inflated expectations. Whatever motivated you in the past no longer applies, because it's now apparent the situation is not going to turn out as you had wished. That doesn't mean it's destined to turn out badly. Reality takes a bite out of every dream. It's a natural adjustment to any ideal or vision. Occasionally we have to accept a humbling development.

Although you have some disappointment to work through, don't let it undermine your enthusiasm. You have not done the wrong thing, walked the wrong path or followed the wrong guidance. A zigzag path is just the nature of the path. You win some, you lose some. Don't let setbacks take you out of the game.

---

P.S. I WAS ALSO ADVISED TO "have confidence in [my] natural divinity" and "throw off any cultural conditioning that keeps me from being authentic with myself", which is quite interesting, particularly in light of ..... well, everything. i don't have time to get into it right now, but it's big.. and it's great.. and it's so strange, because i've spent my entire life 'looking ahead' -- i spent most of elementary school thinking about becoming an opthamologist and an egyptologist; i spent most of middle school researching private high schools; i spent most of high school thinking about college; i've spent a lot of time in college looking at graduate programs ... i was always so much more concerned with where i was going than where i was... (and with who and what i was going to be, rather than who and what i was [am]) and i just assumed that to be some fundamental part of 'me'; that i couldn't [and would never] be happy in the present any time i felt like there was nothing but giant question marks looming on the horizon ..

but suddenly... right now... i am.

not just happy with the present, either, but actually excited about the fact that i have absolutely no idea where anything might go from here ... and maybe that's not so bizarre.. i certainly know people who absolutely thrive on change and open-endedness s ,but i've never been one of them ... or, rather, i've never considered myself to be one.. crazy... and just when i thought i had it all figured out ...

who knew?


[everybody but me, it seems like]

FLUID MECHANICS

SONIC BOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!

my new playlist [in progress]

it doesn't have a name yet, but it will.

1	what will the revolution change	youth brigade
2	afternoon tea	the kinks
3	xox	hot snakes
4	distant early warning	rush
5	angry candy	autolux
6	i don't want to get over you	the magnetic fields
7	pets	janes addiction
8	getting it on/off	the lee harvey oswald band
9	goodbye stranger	supertramp
10	become one anything one time	the promise ring
11	word to yer mother	le force
12	on the beach	the faces
13	jotun	in flames
14	rapture	pedro the lion
15	stop me if you think you've heard this one before	the smiths
16	london girl	the jam
17	free drug zone	seaweed
18	i know it spills	thumbnail
19	aces high	iron maiden
20	mary, mary so contrary	can
21	high school	mc5
22	the number on the calendar	ire
23	two down	hoover
24	eis hexe (album version)	big business
25	vision thing	sisters of mercy
26	song about an angel	sunny day real estate

SHARK ATTACK!!!!!!!!

                !!!                     
__________/\____\o/___________

['procrastination attack', more like]

twenty five whores in the room next door

<3 sisters of mercy


.... i just drooled on myself a little.

ew.



alright. i'm allowed one more cigarette 's worth of blatant procrastination, and then it's time to get down to business. i don't exactly know what business, but.... business, for sure.. the business of putting a dent in. something... anything... for the love of god, i just need some tangible fucking results.. for the past few days, i've been half-assedly "organizing" things.. more like 'shifting piles', really, but that's not the point ...well, actually, i guess it sort of is, because as i've been sorting through all my shit, i keep finding all the tiny notebooks i've used over the past year or so.. most of them were abandoned about 20 pages in (or three weeks, whichever came first), but that's not what's upsetting... what is, is that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM [10 or 12, at least] is full of countless [very slight] variations on exactly the same to-do list ... and it's nearly identical to the one i made yesterday. it's nothing i didn't already know , or, at the very least, strongly suspect.. i mean, i definitely used to make jokes about it, and there were certainly times when i honestly wasn't bothered about it in the least, but seeing it all there, in writing.. MY writing.. so many times... for so many months.. well, it's not really very funny, is it? ... so .... tangible results.

no. 'tangible results' could go either way, really -- turning a big mess into a bigger mess is certainly a 'tangible result', isn't it? so i guess it's not just 'results' i'm going for this time.. it's tangible IMPROVEMENTS.


.. stay tuned.


it's fucking freezing in here

[also... that one was definitely for sharing]

check out what tarot.com just told me

""You are on the verge of fulfilling your grand plan.""


....

hmmm.. okay.

here's the thing.


pretty much all i do ,ever, is plan stuff.

i'm as meticulous and organized and thorough and detailed and conscientious ain making plans as i am the polar fucking opposite when it comes to actually trying to put said plans into action.

as a result, i have enough of the following to last about fifteen people at least six or seven lifetimes:

• lists
• charts
• calendars
• timetables
• maps
• how-to books/articles
• guidebooks
• books and articles in general
• useless pieces of trivia and 'helpful hints'
• schedules [planes, trains, buses, boats, etc.]
• suitcases, bags, bins, boxes, and other assorted organizational aides [both travel and stationary]
• shoes
• nutritional supplements
• essential oils
• personal care products
• outfits
• cleaning supplies
• band-aids
• q-tips
• tiny notebooks
• varieties of paper [bright white, regular white, semi-gloss, gloss, cardstock, graph, ruled, plain, perforated, non-perforated, patterned, metallic, rectangular, square, round, adhesive, etc.]
• ... [you get my point]

but you know what i don't have?

..A GRAND FUCKING PLAN!!!!!!!

IN FACT

i pretty much have THE OPPOSITE OF A GRAND FUCKING PLAN

i have lots of little plans that mostly have absolutely nothing to do with each other


i have spent YEARS trying to figure out how it might all fit together; trying to turn it all into one giant, cohesive , sensible, aggregate, "grand" plan. it's not happening. so WTF??! how's that website gonna tell me i'm on the verge of achieving something i never even set out to achieve? ...
....

.......

ohhhhhhhhh, wait a minute.

maybe that's the point.

if there is no grand plan.......

i'm about to achieve absolutely nothing!


okay.
that's more like it.
sorry to alarm you all.
[all three of you.]

nothing new to report.

oooooOOOooOOOOooOh!

.... creepy, quasi-psychic occurrence: the episode of the brady bunch that' is on tv land right now is all about ASTROLOGY....

.... COINCIDENCE????????????????

things to think about [good luck with this one]

today, my 'daily reflection' reading at tarot.com [yeah, whatever, shut up] told me ......

• that "[i am] dealing with a situation that may be permeated by a romantic, idealistic and psychically open quality," and that "such a state of affairs practically suspends the ordinary rules of reason [because] something in the air transcends logic as psychic, emotional and spiritual energies permeate the atmosphere."


• to "allow [myself] to daydream, for dreams give [me] creative ideas and solutions, producing wonderful results," to "imagine a truly positive outcome for this situation," and to "let down [my] guard and release [my] fears."


• to "let go of caring about what others think of [me]" because "[my] reputation is in no real danger.""


• that i am "no longer inhibited by [my] conditioning and the taboos of the past"


• that "it appears that [i] could really benefit from taking a retreat from modern life, high technology and the overdrive mentality". (it then goes on to inquire as to whether i might be able to "immerse [myself] in Nature, go to the beach, or rent a cabin in the mountains? "]

.... the problem is, i don't know what situation it's referring to; all i ever do is daydream and it evidently gets me absolutely nowhere; i don't really care what people think about me [aside from the few people whose opinions do matter, dearly ... maybe that's who it means?]; my reputation was shot to shit ages ago and i've long since given up hope of it ever recovering; i still feel as though i am very much inhibited by conditioning [not sure about the whole 'taboo' thing, because i was never really big on those to begin with]; and ..well, the last one i really can't disagree with, as i've been wanting to get away for awhile , but i'm not really sure of the best way to go about it..

anyway ... my whole thing about this shit -- tarot cards, horoscopes, i ching, anything of the spiritual/new age-y/paranormal variety that portends to provide people with some sort of advice or insight on themselves or their lives or their thursday or whatever -- is that all it is is whatever one makes of it ... some people buy into it lock, stock, and barrel ,and will live their entire lives at its behest... other people think it's utter nonsense; bullshit concocted by some pot smoking, quartz-wearing, incense-burning, acid-eating, tree-loving hippies entirely out of touch with reality, or by some sleazebag con-artists, looking to take advantage of those among us who are either too weak to think for themselves, too lazy to bother, or too gullible to see through it all ... i'm none of the above. i do wonder whether or not there's 'anything to it', but i stop far short of actually trying to discern any sort of evidence -- anecdotal, circumstantial, statistical, or otherwise -- that might actually indicate as much... to me, it isn't where it comes from or 'what it means' that's important; just what the person it's meant to pertain to gets out of it. maybe that's nothing, and that's fine .. nothing ventured, nothing gained. as for me, however,... i have a tendency to think things into the ground... and then, once they're in the ground, i create massive underground thought-mazes with them... and once i get sick of that, i think them a little bit deeper, until they penetrate the earth's core, where they get all fucked up by the magnetic fields and turn into hot, molten idea-spunk.... and then, as a result of the tremendous heat, they eventually become vaporized, and the vapors [being comprised of teensy, miniscule, subatomic-sized particles] ESCAPE from the core,radiating out from the centre until they mix with the groundwater, where the itty-bitty particles all come together again to reassemble themselves into normal-sized thoughts, which,as part of the earth's water cycle, eventually rain down on me... or flow out of my tap and into the brita dispenser,or an ice cube tray, or the bath, or shower.....^1 ANYWAY, the point is, i think too much.... and i am always grateful for any additional insight or alternate perspectives, regardless of whether they're coming from my guardian angel/spirit guide/god (or God, or g-d, or allah, or buddha, or jah, or yaweh, whatever); my best friend; my ten-year-old brother; a republican; my cat; the homeless dude on the corner; tom cruise; albert einstein; a computer program; whatever. doesn't matter. all equally valid. well ... all equally potentially valid..

i mean... i still have to think about it.

right.

yeah.

sooo.. this has been fascinating and all, but.. i have to go
daydream, not give a fuck what anybody thinks of me, undo 24 years of conditioning, abandon my earlier taboos [again.. what taboos? i worry that to abandon the few i do have would leave me in dangerous territory], and retreat from the overdrive mentality.

[... is it really any wonder why i prefer tarot.com to therapy???]

---

1. don't worry. i'm making a flowchart.

"you can go blog about how much you hate me. i'm gonna go read."

i still can't figure out why the days i want to hear from you the most almost always seem to turn out to be the days i don't hear from you at all.



i hope you're doing okay, i hope i can see you soon, and i hope you know that i couldn't hate you if i tried.

i gotta go

....somewhere.

anywhere, really.


ugh.

i'd give anything..

...to be back in london


i know i have no one to blame but myself because i'm the one who wanted to come home

but i'm sorry

and i was wrong


and if i could take it back, i would


i miss it terribly, and i hope to god that whenever i do make it back there i won't be stupid enough to take it for granted a third time

..when will i learn?

FOR THE RECORD

sleeping alone is soooo 1982/1983/1984/1985/1986/1987/1988/1989/1990/1991/1992/1993/1994/1995/1996/1997/1998/1999/2000/2001/2002/2003/2004/2005/early 2006.

i'm not really sure why i think this is so funny.

summer is fucking retarded.

i'd kill myself if i didn't have air conditioning.


also, i'm fucking bored.

i have been sitting here downloading photoshop brushes for about two hours. this means i am now going to have the same problem with brushes as i do with fonts -- too many choices. i don't know who decided that variety is 'the spice of life', but .... oh, here. william cowper: "variety's the very spice of life, that gives it all its flavour."

... pffffffffffft.

flavo[u]r's overrated.

i guess the problem is that i like having lots of options, but i hate making decisions.i like thinking about what might happen if i choose x; the pros and cons of y; what my mother will think if i go with z; how happy b might make me; how good c would look; etc.... and that's really enough for me. i don't need to see how it actually plays out. i would be perfectly content sitting in a room somewhere thinking about things for the rest of my life, which, from what i gather, most people seem to think is weird (or boring, or pathetic, or a cop-out, whatever). all i can say is that i don't know what happens in anybody else's mind, but as far as i'm concerned, the shit that goes on in mine is infinitely better than anything the real world has to offer.. and the only time that ever seems to change is when some external factor (i.e. war, politics, bureaucracy, society, the weather, some boy, etc.) hijacks my thought process[es] .....

anyway .. enough of that shit. i'm gonna go unzip my brushes.

then i'm going to use them to create poignant, stunning, thought-provoking works of digital abstract post-post-modern transgressive conceptual art.

and eventually, charles saatchi will find me, and then.. move over, YBAs!^1 i'll be the catalyst for a whole new movement in the art world .... i'm not sure exactly what it will be called, but i'm absolutely certain that it will involve me spending lots of time hanging out in galleries,chain-smoking, drinking whiskey and/or wine from the bottle, and laughing at all the assholes paying obscene sums of money for some shit i threw together in photoshop in an hour and a half.....

OH MAN... being an artist is gonna rule!! it's obviously my true calling.... i can't believe it took me so this to realize it.. and to think, when i was little, i wanted to be an opthamologist!! .. qu'elle idiote!

---

1. [in all honesty, the YBAs have all turned into MABAs by now, and they've lost their collective edge. yawn!]

GET PINSPIRED [YEAH, I SAID IT.]

tiny notebooks are the graveyards of my ambitions.


i'm serious about the pins. i started working on a website.

bearing in mind that it's just in the very earliest stages right now, here's a preview:

that's all for now. i need a shower.

i wish i had time to take a bath
actually, i wish i could just move into the bathtub^1

---

1. provided that i had a neverending supply of hot water.

oh, and infinite bubbles.