no i wont

it's too hard

where are you? ..i cant do this alone
i didnt start it alone...i cant finish it alone

you were supposed to be a part of this.. one way or another....

you ARE a part of it

maybe you don't see it that way


i said goodbye, or tried to.. and i apologized, for whatever the fuck that's worth..

i loved it, while it lasted, and i always will....
and maybe that seems ridiculous but to me it's very real,and overwhelming


i can't fucking believe i really have to go through with this. i always said i never would..

i can rattle off the list of reasons why it's "for the best" ...but they're not my reasons
and but i'll never fucking believe them

i'll go through with it, because i can't afford not to; because i don't trust myself... because maybe i'm right; maybe it's supposed to be different .... but maybe not ... and if i'm wrong,it's really not something i want to learn the hard way...

but i will always wish it could have been different
i will never forget how this feels...
and i will never make this decision again...

because right now, i feel like i'm staring at that old, proverbial fork in the road [the intersection of 'trite street' and 'cliche boulevard', perhaps] ... and [bear with me] i can't really see too far ahead.. ..but one street seems to sort of suddenly veer off in some abrupt and drastic direction..or maybe it's just very hilly,or poorly-lit; i don't know, but it seems.. interest ing .. challenging,to be sure, but maybe it's lined with really pretty pink flowers, or whatever.... anyway, the other street ... seems vaguely familiar.... and i stand there and squint at it for awhile, and all of the sudden, it dawns on me : that's MY street! there goes the ugg [ughhhhh] army, ..and the cargo pants brigade....and jesus christ, am i ever going to fucking get the fuck out of this godforsaken place? ..... and i hate it ... i mean, i appreciate it for what it is; i appreciate how fortunate i am to have what i have ..... but it's not working .....hasn't been for years.. i know i need a change....

...but right now..... with this decision.. i feel like i'mm foregoing the pink flowers and the potential for something new and exciting .... or new and terrible... but..different], at least , in favor of a road i've been walking up and down for six fucking years,and complaining about the whole goddamn time


that's a huge oversimplification and i know there are plenty of other ways to get off this path and onto a new one; i know this wasn't my one chance,oand maybe something a million times more appealing will come along in a few weeks or months that couldn't have happeened if things had gone differently ... but.. it's that whole thing about sitting around and watching shit happen,instead of making shit happen.... you know.. ... chalk another one up for me in the 'playing it safe' category


(sigh)