monday night post belle and sebastian drunken quiz extravaganza: RESULTS!

You Are 72% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

On Average, You Would Sell Out For

$983,876

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

Your French Name is:

Martine Rochefort

What's Your French Name?

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun. You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life... Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Are A Relationship Rescuer!

You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think. You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule. And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that

Do You Ruin Relationships?

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Shy

When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know. From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up. And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide.

Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend?

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura?

what just happened five minutes ago

so, i was lying in bed, alone, trying to fall asleep [and very nearly there], when i heard the buzzer ring. i certainly wasn't expecting anyone, but i got all excited because i thought maybe it was something exciting, like a surprise booty call.. or at least a visitor...

it wasn't.

it was nobody.

now i'm awake again and no better off than i was twenty minutes ago.

worse off, in fact, because at least twenty minutes ago i was almost asleep, and thinking lovely thoughts in the process.

now i'm just lonely.


[i know, i know.. "cry me a fucking river"]

je vais à paris.... vraiment !

i got a letter today from parsons informing me that i was accepted into the photography class.. so it's london for may and june, then paris for all of july.... c'est fantastique!

SUBMITTED FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: AN EXCERPT FROM MY PERSONAL FILES: 7 july 2004

"okay.... i have to go do something else now because.... i don't know. what more can i really say about this? probably tons, but i think it's best left at this. i have already achieved the one thing i really hoped NOT to -- i have formulated an expectation, or at least a very, very strong hope, that he will call me sometime within the next day or two, just to say that he had a good time hanging out and that he's glad we talked and everything. fine. i can't pretend i don't want that, but i can at least be realistic and agree to not let myself get too upset if it doesn't happen and be pleasantly surprised if it does.

he always laughs at my jokes. he also always listens to me -- like he's actually interested, not just in a polite, detached way -- when i talk, no matter how much i have to say. that right there is huge, not to mention, more than i can say for a good deal of people. and he never makes me feel stupid or like i don't know what i'm talking about .. even when i really don't. he is always so respectful of me when we are interacting directly.. but the way he just neglects to call me sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't really take me all that seriously.. but.. ENOUGH ENOUGHENGOUENGOUGHHHH!!!!!!

someday
we will get married
and i will collect everything i've written about him over the years
and call it "the xxxxxxx diaries"
and publish it.

because i refuse to believe that two people who just had as incredible a time as we had -- though i don't know with any absolute certainty that he had as great a time as i did, but i think he did, and the fact that he stayed til 6 AM is a pretty clear indication -- are not destined for more than this.

it was different tonight. there were drugs, yes, but there have been plenty of other nights that we did just as much and only exchanged a tenth of the words. tonight i felt like we were equals. for the first time i wasn't worried about what he was thinking or how he felt, i wasn't trying to impress him, i didn't have a chance to build it all up in my head for hours before he showed up.. he was just here, and we were just hanging out, and in some respects it was like nothing had changed, but in others it was like everything had. i think that tonight, after so many years of trying to be what- or whoever i thought he would like the most, i was finally able to just be myself with xxxx... and that, now that i think about it, is a huge fucking deal."

----------------

i wrote that after he left after the first time we hung out again after barely speaking for a year, post-london. it's just a few paragraphs of the 20-something pages i wrote that night [morning, actually] [what's up, creepy and obsessive], but everything anyone [including he and i] ever needed to know about us, i think, or at least about my perspective on things, is right there.


for what it's worth.

what i want to be when i grow up^1

INTRODUCTION: i started making this list today to remind myself that i always have options. i will update it as appropriate; i am sharing it in the hopes that the five or six people who might happen upon it will be reminded that they have options, too. it has footnotes. i love footnotes.

doctor (opthamologist or obstetrician)
public defender
midwife/doula
used record/bookstore owner
homeless/’street’ person^2
health/sexuality educator
montessori teacher
day camp director
travel agent
musician/singer
professional merch girl
button maker
activist/revolutionary
philosopher/oracle
sex toy designer
writer^3
tattoo artist
body piercer
critic^4
video arcade attendant
plumber,electrician, auto mechanic, or other tradesperson
aromatherapist
photographer^5
freelance travel writer
pilates instructor
cultural anthropologist (urban?)
wedding planner
designer -- web,interior, landscape, floral, fashion, whatever
forensic pathologist
private investigator
video game designer
person who makes mixtapes/playlists for stores
dj [radio or club]
sim
filmmaker or editor
lego builder
phone psychic
wanderer/vagabond
technical high school shop instructor
school librarian
resident of london or paris or nyc [brooklyn]

-----------------
[footnotes]
1. i am never ‘growing up’
2. temporarily, in warm climate, pref. near beach
3. as long as i don’t have to worry about whether or not i get published or if anyone likes (or even reads) what i write
4. of everything,not just art or music or food or whatever is usually subject to criticism
5. no weddings or portraits, all candids, no flash

what do cocorosie, the shins, a silver mt. zion, and black heart procession all have in common?

(a) they are interesting and innovative recording artists
(b) they are all playing shows in london in may or june
(c) i just got tickets to the aforementioned london shows
(d) all of the above

obviously, the answer is d.

london.

this is the place i'm trying to rent in london, which is my other favorite city. it's near kings road/sloane square in chelsea, and.. um.. it's pink, which is my favorite color. the prospect of living here, even temporarily, makes me so happy i could throw up. amazing.

RESULTS - friday night internet quiz extravaganza

You scored as Neo, the "One". Neo is the computer hacker-turned-Messiah of the Matrix. He leads a small group of human rebels against the technology that controls them. Neo doubts his ability to lead but doesn't want to disappoint his friends. His goal is for a world where all men know the Truth and are free from the bonds of the Matrix.

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0created with QuizFarm.com

You Are Tequilla

When you drink, you're serious about getting drunk! You'll take any shot that's offered up to you... Even if it tastes like sock sweat! And you're never afraid of eating the worm.

What alcoholic drink are you?

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

You scored as Fred and George Weasley. If you went to Hogwarts you would be doing the Weasley Twins. Oooo damn! You are freaky! You are a hell of a women to take on the Weasley twins. Double time! Go head girl, go head get down!

WHO ARE YOU SCREWING AT HOGWARTS??
created with QuizFarm.com

my temporary parisian home

the cutest apartment ever in the best city on earth, and it's going to be all mine for 40 glorious days and 39 wonderful nights this summer. my photography class [more like a workshop, through parsons school of design] meets for something like five hours a day, five days a week, for four weeks ... that's like, a minimum of a hundred hours that i am guaranteed to be taking and printing and discussing and critiquing pictures.. in paris, my favorite city in the whole world.. AFTER two months in london, and eleven morrissey shows.

if my plane should crash on the way back to america, and i should be buried alive in the wreckage, never to be seen or heard from again .. or my seat cushion proves less-than-adequate as a flotation device and i end up sinking to the deepest depths of the atlantic... or if the cabin pressure drops, and i notice that the elderly person seated next to me is having trouble with their oxygen mask, and despite the flight attendants' instructions, (because i am a nice and empathetic person with a tendency to put the needs of others before my own), i assist them with their mask BEFORE ensuring that mine is secured and end up suffocating to death.. or hijackers manage to elude the vigilant security screeners at charles de gaulle airport and threaten myself and my fellow passengers with box cutters (or any other sharp, meanacing, potentially lethal [i suppose, if you spent like two hours making enough cuts in your victim that they eventually bled to death, or died of boredom] [incidentally, that would give the pilot/crew more than enough time to notify someone on the ground of the situation, get a fighter jet escort or whatever, and make an emergency landing at a safe and secure location ... in fact, even if there were, say, eight or nine bearded and turbaned brown men brandishing box cutters, each with a brand-spanking-new, virgin razor blade, i doubt they could even finish off 25% of the passengers before the plane landed safely, and it would be sad if 25% of the people on the plane had to perish, but that still leaves 75% of the passengers who, between the lawsuits, the publicity, and the movie/book deals, would ultimately probably come out of the whole thing a lot better off (at least financially) than when they got on the plane in the first place... even if you're one of those people who believe that each and every human life is equally as valuable as the next, first of all, you're wrong, and second of all, you can't argue with the numbers, because numbers don't lie, and any fool can see that 75 is obviously > 25. put it this way... if life > death but those motherfuckers are persistent and those razor blades are sharp as hell, so some amount of death is inevitable, a 75/25 split is still a pretty fucking good outcome. it's way more than a simple majority. seventy-five cents is practically a dollar. i mean ... if you have seventy-five cents, but you really, really want to buy something that costs a dollar, you could probably manage to scrounge up twenty-five more cents to make it happen. yes, you might have to dig around in the cracks in the sofa.. check the car and the pockets of all your pants and jackets.. purses, too ,if you're a lady [or perhaps even if you are not; to each their own]... hit up the coin return slots on a few pay phones or vending machines.... recycle some cans... ask passers-by.. sell some shit on ebay.... take all the pennies in the free penny dish at the register.. if you really wanted it bad enough, you'd do what you had to do and i bet you would eventually end up with twenty-five more cents, at the very least. maybe more. who knows. maybe it would turn out to be your lucky fucking day and you'd find a winning lottery ticket, or meet the man/woman of your dreams when he/she stops on the sidewalk to drop a nickel in your cup, or maybe your carrie necklace was actually in your bag that whole time and it just slipped through a hole in the lining and you were freaking out over nothing and big ['john'? wtf?] is on his way to save you from that creepy pretentious bastard mikhail baryshnikov, take you back to new york, and restore balance to the force. whatever. point is, it's the same thing, really.] my initial point is that after the amazing things that are going to happen this spring and summer, i could die feeling as though i had lived a full and interesting and wonderful life.

well, to be precise, i would be feeling as though i had lived a full and interesting life, and then die, and whether or not i felt anything at all after that point is something that i don't believe anyone who is presently alive can ever really know for certain.. but that's another topic for another time.


click here to see my (technically "potential", but it's practically a done deal) lovely, temporary, parisian summer home. it is on the left bank, in the 14th arrondissement, near montparnasse and some lovely parks and a few hospitals and the sorbonne. it has a fucking balcony AND its own bathroom! no sharing! ALL MINE! omg omg omg can't wait can't wait can't wait!!!

p.s.

fuck you.

them or me?

i never wanted it to come to this because i hoped you would choose on your own without me having to put the proverbial gun to your head but it's locked and loaded because this is where the buck stops and the bullshit ends. i am through 'looking the other way' and coming up with outlandish rationalizations to excuse the behavior that i found inexcusable from the start. i tell myself it's because i love you so much, because i respect you, because i know about your past, am trying to be sensitive, am trying to get you to believe in yourself as much as i have always believed in you ..

.. what if i'm wrong?

maybe i've been bullshitting myself all along. maybe i'm the sucker. maybe we'll never know .. but one thing is for certain: i deserve better than this.

so do you.

so does she.

you're gonna miss me, baby..

.. or maybe you won't. maybe it's all been for nothing. i don't know.

the only thing i do know is that something has to change, because something - or someone - has got to give, and this time, that someone isn't going to be me.

whenever i catch myself sitting here doing absolutely nothing of value, which is most of the time, i tell myself that if i'm not going to do anything fun or useful or productive, i should just go to bed.. particularly when (like right now) i am already half retarded, thanks in no small part to the intoxicating combination of utter exhaustion and sheer boredom.

sometimes, when i tell myself this, i listen, and i go to bed.

other times, like right now, i tell myself to fuck off, and then i go to the supermarket.

the bathroom [a work in progress]

the bathroom
Originally uploaded by times of grace.

pink!

incident report

alarm! 19:49-19:50 15 february 2006

happy v day..

..well. v-day, anyway.

love, or stupidity.. i'm not entirely convinced they're not one and the same

i know it's stupid, but every time you leave, i sit here and wonder if perhaps this will be the time that you change your mind and decide you'd rather not. it never is, but for some reason, i still haven't given up hope.

sometimes, like right now, i would give anything to hear your key in the door.

.. but we're "different", right?

i can't believe i'm sitting here feeling this all over again and i can't believe i can't believe it because i should have known better and i thought i knew what we could be and should be but we simply can't get there from here as long as you refuse to see anything aside from who and where you've been and done and after the last time i thought you got that but it wasn't long before we were right back where we began again and i don't know why you only seem to need me when there's no one else around or why every time you find a new one it seems like you and she are suddenly everywhere i always wished you and i could go but i never asked and i never told and i hate the way that their attention or affection or adoration or youth or innocence seems to immediately elicit the responses i've wanted and needed from you all along and am still waiting to receive and why can't you ever seem to say no to anyone but me? they get your best effort while i get out of your way and wait patiently for you to declare and/or drive them insane and as i wait i wonder if i'm the only one who has ever noticed how perfectly we fit together and i wish that you needed and wanted me like this because i can't be the only one who believes in us any longer because somehow i keep ending up by myself in the back seat of your car sitting on almost seven years' worth of bullshitting around interspersed with the best times of my life while you're behind the wheel driving us around and around and around along the same block a million times and making the same stops on every go and i am pretending not to mind that someone else is riding shotgun again because i guess i forgot to call it or maybe they just got there first but you touched us both the same way and when i saw that i knew it all because it wasn't so long ago that i was in their shoes and you were in mine (technically, they were sandals) and i know how good you can look to a girl who is looking to define herself and i don't know why you seem so surprised when you charm your way into their pants and wind up entrenched in their hearts and thoughts and lives and your intentions are inconsequential once the damage is done and darling, you've done it again and again the shit has hit your biggest fan and once it starts to sink in, it's a bitch to clean up and how can i ask for help when everyone saw it coming and i told them they were wrong? i've never left your side but somehow i ended up getting left in the dust anyway, wiping the egg from my face as you went on to prove them all right and let me down again. unfortunately, my dear, your car ain't big enough for three of us, and neither is your basement. variety may be the spice of life, but this is the same tired old shit in a brand-spanking-new box. go ahead and open it up ... smell that? .. yeah. it's still shit.