WRONG, SIR

this is not here now ... but, for the sake of easing the transition, i guess it wouldn't kill anybody to post today's entries in both places.

[REPOST FROM http://www.lesmorts.net/wordpress/]

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TITLE: HERE’S THE THING …. [the overly verbose and meandering, mostly confused, and ultimately somewhat pointless thing …]

.... and it's something that i sometimes think that maybe isn't quite clear:

I DON'T GO LOOKING FOR THIS SHIT.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I DON'T WANT TO CARE.

i didn't ask about you tonight, but he mentioned you just the same; said he'd seen you not long after he'd last seen me last, which would have been thursday or friday of last week ... [you must have been pretty damn sick] ... you said you were in a rush, and you had a girl -- "girlfriend?" -- with you ... [" ... wait... uh oh, are you and him, like .. together? ... i thought you guys were just friends..." "we are, technically, but ... it's a long story ..."] [i stopped there, rather than bore anyone with the details ... for once.] ... he didn't know her name, or what she looked like ["... wasn't really paying attention, sorry!"], or anything, really, other than the fact that she was there ...


now, here's the $25,000 question:

what am i upset about?

A. the fact that you were with another girl, even though i have no idea who it was, what you guys were doing, or when any of it took place -- not to mention, in spite of the fact that you and i are just friends, and i have absolutely no right, whatsoever, to give a shit about anything you do, or anyone you do it with?

B. the fact that you told me you didn't call me because you were sick and asleep for all but two hours on thursday, throwing up on friday, etc., despite what was happening on saturday and the fact that i tried several times to get in touch with you, as i was both (1) terribly upset and (2) very much alone?

C. the fact that although i respect, and even appreciate, the fact that you generally keep me in the dark about anything that's going on in your life that you don't think i would be especially psyched to find out about, i somehow always seem to find things out anyway [without trying, despite what you might think (trust me ... i REALLY would rather just not know)] ... and even when it's nothing, and the only reason you didn't mention it is to save us both the aggravation¹ ... there's something about finding out by accident (or indirectly, or after the fact; whatever) that i can't fucking stand. it's ... dubious, i guess; regardless of the truth, or of anybody's intentions -- it feels too much like deception for me to ever really be okay with it

[ THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE HERE, BUT I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY WITH THE FOOTNOTES AND NOW I'M SICK OF THINKING ABOUT THIS SHIT; IN FACT, I MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS SHIT ANYMORE ... WHO KNOWS, MAYBE I FINALLY WROTE MYSELF SANE ]

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1. if i'm not mistaken, it goes a little something like this: (1) i get upset. (2) i tell myself that i have no right to be upset, but (3) i remain upset, regardless. (4) i try, desperately, to 'get over it', 'suck it up', and 'play it cool' (for my sake, as much as yours) ... unfortunately, i (4) fail, miserably, and (5) wait until the last minute to surprise you with the fact that i am not, in fact, okay with it -- probably by means of some shitty, catty, snide, offhand remark, one that inevitably leads to (6) a ridiculously overblown fight between the two of us (during which, one or both of us will say stupid, shitty, hurtful things that we may or may not mean, with or without thinking first); i will inevitably overreact, with (7) absurd amounts of crying, pleading, and begging; profuse (and, for what it's worth, sincere) apologies, and all kinds of half-assed (albeit -- again, for what it's worth -- well-meaning) 'excuseplanations' (same as the last time..... and the twelve thousand times before that); (8) you don't want to hear it; (9) i don't want to say it; (10) we're both sick of it, and -- daresay -- of each other; (11) i can't believe we've ended up here again, but -- yet again! -- (12) "i can't believe i can't believe it" ... eventually, (13) we both get over it, apologize, kiss, make up, etc. ... we never seem to learn anything, or understand each other any better; nothing ever seems to change, and the cycle never seems to end ... it can, and does, sneak up on us at any time; that, in my opinion, is the worst part of all of it... for me, anyway .... not knowing .... i don't know how i still never seem to see it coming ... i mean, don't get me wrong; i know it's out there .. but it always seems so abstract, when, in fact, it is quite the opposite ... and i always think it's so much farther away than it ever really is; even when it's happening, i can never seem to pin-point the exact moment when the shit and the fan cross paths; i always think that maybe i'll manage to diffuse it somehow, before it becomes "a big deal" (i won't; it's infuriating) ... somehow, no matter how many times we go through this, it never fails to catch me off-guard ... and i can't ever seem to get used to how it feels; it's never anything new, but it's always shocking, nonetheless ... somehow, i always seem to have forgetten about 'last time' by the time 'next time' rolls around ... not the events themselves (i'd give anything to forget some of them), but the feelings that accompany them ... and not 'forgotten', exactly; more like 'suppressed' ... no matter how 'over it' i think i am or how much 'progress' i think i've made ..... it's like that game 'minesweeper'¹: there are clues, sure.. but no matter how careful i think i'm being, i always seem to overlook something, and that's all it takes...

... or, to put it another way... as any number of elementary, middle, and high school math teachers seemed to find no end of delight in pointing out to me,i have a tendency to make "careless mistakes" ... i rush, or i'm overconfident, or i focus so much on one aspect or side or approach that i become completely oblivious to everything else ... and that's usually how it starts ... NO, not with me as the "poor, innocent, blindsided victim" ... on the contrary, i take full responsibility, because i should know better ,especially by now ... and i DO know better ..but for some reason, without fail,about halfway between foresight and hindsight, i always seem to develop tunnel vision .. and it only takes one oversight; one 'careless mistake' to trigger this god-awful, absurd, uncontrollable fucking cacophony of .. well, of shit, really; of memories and fears and thoughts and feelings; fantasies and delusions and hopes and disappointments; shit i didn't know i had felt or could feel; shit i thought i'd gotten over years ago; shit i didn't even realize i was affected by til years later; shit i thought i cared about that suddenly seems insignificant; shit i thought was trivial that suddenly seems like the only thing that matters .... it turns my fucking life inside out, even when it only lasts a few hours; it is unsettling and overwhelming and frustrating; sometimes it is helpful or informative or theraputic, but frankly, i'm sick to death of it; i'm sick of everything being all turbulent and fleeting and noisy; sick of my head and my heart and my past all clamoring for my undivided attention; sick of thinking; sick of reevaluating and readjusting; sick of searching ... most of all, i am sick of how i never feel like it's really safe to let down my guard all the way, so i don't... and then i get hurt anyway.

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1. i am hoping the 'minesweeper' analogy is sufficiently less melodramatic than a comparison to an actual minefield would have been; i realize neither is terribly creative, but i'm already about two hours (and 900 words) more invested in this particular topic than i would ideally care to be, and originality is starting to seem incredibly overrated