too many years

for so many years, i have wished that this could be more, to the point that i've somehow managed to convince myself that it should be more ... that it will be more .... but it's not, is it? ... the thing is.. i'm fairly certain that i could probably continue to delude myself for another five or ten years ; i could keep coming up with excuses and/or explanations for every little thing that went wrong; keep telling myself that someday, it will all be worth it, because we'll both eventually somehow get to wherever we need to be to realize just what we have and just how good we are together .... but once in awhile, i do actually emerge from my stupid, idealistic fantasy world [though usually not by choice] and take a look at how things really are ... and on a few occasions, i have encountered and considered the disturbing and overwhelming prospect that all of this might be nothing more than a ridiculous, romanticized pipe dream ... a lost cause ... but even on those days when i want nothing more than to accept it, believe it, give up, let it go -- for both of our sakes, but mostly for yours -- something has always prevented me from doing so .... and i want, desperately, to believe that there's a reason for that ..... but it scares me to think that maybe the only reason is that i'm too scared to see what my life looks like without the promise of an eventual ' "us" somewhere on the horizon .... or maybe i'm just being stubborn; maybe i just can't accept that this could have all been for nothing; can't deal with the possibility that maybe the moral to this story is something other than "good things come to those who wait" or "true love blah blah blah" .... but what if the only way to get to "happily ever after" is by leaving each other behind? because this isn't fair to either of us ... and it never seems to change, no matter how much i want it to ... and i, for one, don't think i can handle it for much longer..i don't think you can, either .... but the idea of you not being there is a million times more painful than anything i've ever felt as a result of anything we've been through has ever been ... so where the fuck does that leave me? or you?

all i ever wanted was for it to just be us... but not at the expense off our sanity or happiness or well-being .... for awhile, i thought it was something we both wanted ... or something we both wanted to work towards, at least ... the last thing i ever wanted was to take your life away from you... or to hurt you, or drive you crazy ...

all i have ever truly cared about is your happiness, and you doing what's right for you .. i'm sure it often seems as though those are the least of my concerns.. and i'm the first to admit that it's something i lose sight of, from time to time... but i promise you, that is what has always been at the heart of everything ...i and it always will be.




i don't know how the fuck we got here. ...but somebody, please... get us out