it is a beautiful day

and i'm the asshole sitting inside writing about it on the internet.


NO MORE!


IMMEDIATE COURSE OF ACTION:
1. GET OFF ASS
2. GET DRESSED UP
3. GET CAMERA
4. ... GO!

[as soon as i finish this cigarette]

this is a shameless plug

THIS is a polite reminder to visit http://www.myspace.com/infinitywelcomescarefuldrivers, because, let's face it.. it's not really cool to only have five myspace friends... especially not if one of them is tom, and another one of them is myself.

you will never change..

.. and i will never learn..

.. and we will continue to make each other miserable until one or both of us grows up or gives up or [doubtful] realizes what it is that we have been pissing all over for all these years and starts giving it [and each other] the respect that it and we deserve.



I RESOLVE.... .... to wake up with a better attitude.

you break my heart every fucking day and you either don't realize it, or you simply don't care. either way, it has to stop. enough is enough. i think you have a lot to think about while i'm away.

i think we both do.

new moon at 5:15 ...

.. and so it goes.

I Ching

"After crossing a stream, a man's head can get into the water only if he is so imprudent as to turn back. As long as he goes forward and does not look back, he escapes this danger. But there is a fascination in standing still and looking back on a peril overcome. However, such vain self-admiration brings misfortune. It leads only to danger, and unless one finally resolves to go forward without pausing, one falls a victim to this danger."

having a bad day?

go to google image search and type in 'puppies'.

guaranteed to provide a veritable buffet of adorableness. anyone who can still be in a crap mood after looking at hundreds of pictures of tiny puppies deserves to be shot. or just check out http://www.cuteoverload.com, where they've done all the work for you. all you have to do is sit there and go "awwwwwwww!"

douglas coupland + morrissey

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/omm/story/0,,1729861,00.html
brilliant article. read it.

also, there are three new songs on my songs page, if anyone's interested, including a hypersonically fast dance remix of 'bigmouth strikes again' [first of many smiths remixes to come]. http://web.mac.com/sufferlittlechildren/

COMING SOON TO A MILITARY THEATER NEAR YOU

WAR WITH IRAN!

you heard it here first.

actually, i said it over a year ago. anybody with half a brain should have seen this coming from miles away.

my newest near-song

go listen to it. if you don't like it, i don't care.

it's only the second song i've ever made in my whole life. give me a break.

thunderstorm

i love thunderstorms.

blah blah blah..

most boring saturday ever.

i slept too late to make it to montreal, and i'm unbelievably pissed off at myself, but what can you do? now it's quarter to nine, nobody's around, and i'm watching the style network, by myself, for the umpteenth hour this week. talk about dull. i'm also playing 'pretend i'm an internet travel agent', which is one of my favorite ways to waste time ... i probably plan at least three or four trips every week. obviously, i never actually go on any of them, but this time might be different... i have enough frequent flier miles for a domestic round-trip ticket, and sisters of mercy are playing next weekend in LA, san francisco, portland, and seattle ... if not that, there's coachella, at the end of april, but i'm supposed to leave for london on may 1 (incidentally, sisters are playing london on may 2, so obviously i got tickets for that, which brings the number of amazing shows i'm going to see over there to.. i don't know, like, a million).. i'm just so sick of everything here. i know as soon as i'm gone, i'll miss it terribly, but that will just make coming back home that much better.. that's what i'm hoping for, anyway. i just wante everything to be back to normal.. friendships.. relationships... or whatever that's called..

i got hbo so i could watch the new season of the sopranos. kinsey is on right now, and i've never seen it, so i'm gonna go watch it. and download porn. more to come..

(ha!)

goth's not dead, even if it wishes it was (or: TWENTY FIVE WHORES IN THE ROOM NEXT DOOR!)

sisters of mercy were amazing; i'm so glad i decided to go .. i very nearly bailed on myself; i couldn't get to sleep on sunday night, despite my best efforts ... four tylenol PM's and ten hours later, i woke up around 2:30 on monday afternoon. my original plan was to leave boston early, at 10 or so, so i would have time to hang out [ok, go shopping] in nyc before the show.

[ok, i didn't even really want to shop in nyc; i wanted to go to this mall in long island, because there's a nordstrom there, and they had these shoes i really wanted; there's also a forever 21 there, and i was hoping they would have a better selection than the one in saugus.]

[they did, but i'll get to that.]

anyway, i woke up, checked my email, checked to see if anyone has actually been reading
this stupid thing, chatted with allie and joe and jenn on aim, and before i knew it, it was quarter past three. the later it got, the less i felt like getting in the car to drive four hours to new york, by myself, to spend two hours (max) at a show, only to get back in the car, by myself, and drive four hours home.... this whole time, i have itunes playing songs on random, and suddenly the song "walk away" came on and reminded me how much i love this band.. i started listening to them in seventh grade, and they have remained in the rotation pretty much ever since. i reminded myself how much i hate myself every time i decide not to go to a show, and promised myself that i could turn around and come back home at any point along the way if i decided that i "really, REALLY" didn't want to go, then i got dressed, got in the car, and started driving..

.. and i never wanted to stop.

i didn't want to come back.

it would have been nice to have company, but going alone was kind of nice, too. sitting around the house alone, surrounded by constant reminders of all the shit i'm trying to deal with, gets real old real fast .. but being alone in my car, with a shit ton of rad songs on my ipod and nobody bitching about how i drive, or how much i smoke, or how frequently i stop at rest areas, or what we listen to next, is pretty fucking awesome. i kept the music at the perfect volume -- not so loud as to be overwhelming, but just loud enough to drown absolutely everything else out. i listened to a lot of shit i haven't heard in forever and remembered how much i love the memories that so many of those songs evoke; love how hearing a song i haven't heard in forever can remind me of a person or a day or a show that i had almost forgotten; love falling in love with music again and again; love how it is the one thing in my life that is both a constant, and a variable. sometimes, i hate it for the exact same reasons .. i hate how certain songs automatically evoke certain memories or people; i hate those people for 'ruining' that particular song/album/band ... i guess what i really hate is relinquishing control over my emotions and thoughts, which i guess sounds ridiculous, but.. that's me. it's not about 'control'; it's really more about 'choice'. i don't like being confronted with anything ever, really, but particularly without warning. i don't like confrontations with other people, and i don't like them with myself. i'm all for introspection (maybe sometimes too much so), but i like to be able to choose what i think about, and when, and where. i hate getting emotional around other people, not because i'm embarrassed or ashamed, but because i hate to inflict my personal issues or problems or sentimentality or bad decisions upon anyone else.......

right. this isn't therapy, and i'm much more interesting than that. [so i like tangents. sue me. i always frequently meander back to my original point, eventually.]

so. drove to nyc; got to queens around 7:30 and couldn't decide whether or not to go to long island or head straight for manhattan; i knew doors were at 8 and the warlocks were opening, but .. they're really, really cute shoes ... and since there was nobody there to tell me not to, and no traffic, and no real rush, i went to the mall first. i was in and out of nordstrom, forever 21, and urban outfitters in less than an hour; i drove to manhattan, found a parking spot [and made all the lights] on 2nd avenue, about a block from the venue, convinced the guy at the door to let me in despite having left all of my ID at home, and got inside about thirty seconds before sisters of mercy went on. i wasn't sure what to expect, but they were

fucking

amazing.


i was pretty near the front, but i was surrounded by amazonian goth girls in their ridiculous eight-inch platform boots, so all of the pictures i took have the heads of the people around me in them. whatever. i danced my ass off and had an amazing time, and developed a little crush on the guitar player who was standing closest to me. i'm not sure why; i think just because he got so into it, and he looked like he was having so much fun up there. i need a band. i need musical talent first, i guess, but.. not really. i think there's some mathematical equation that pertains to female musicians .. like as long as the amount of clothing you wear is inversely proportional to the amount of actual musical talent you possess, you're guaranteed success.. or a lot of money, which (in this country, anyway) pretty much amounts to the same thing.

left the show at 11:45.. stopped by the virgin megastore in union square to get HP4 on dvd at midnight.. (and found a parking spot directly outside the building, which was pretty amazing).. got a really cute ben sherman bag for more than 50% off, and i didn't even know it was on sale because it wasn't marked on the tag (incidentally, that is the absolute best thing that can happen while shopping: surprise discounts on things you were willing to pay full price for) .... drove home, listened to pelican and the shins, until the shins got me thinking too much, at which point, i had to give em the boot.. then, i spent the last two hours listening to the smiths, because as odd as it might seem, they make me happier than any other band ever possibly could. i got home around 4:30 and morrissey [the cat] was missing; eventually i found him in the hallway outside my apartment, which means he must have escaped when i left and got stuck out there all day [oops]. talked to matt in new zealand for a couple of hours on aim, which was incredible; saw the pictures he's taken so far, and they made me realize that i desperately need to spend more time outdoors. also, a disturbing number of my friends have all begun these bizarre and sadistic fitness regimens that involve going to the gym in what, to me, is still the middle of the night .. what's worse, they all say they actually enjoy it .. well, good for you guys. i'll just stay in bed, thanks.. though i think i should really consider getting a bike for the spring. i think i'd get out more.

[no i wouldn't; or, if i did, it wouldn't be because of the bike, but because of the vast improvement in weather conditions]

i'm going to bed. the pictures i took didn't come out that great -- it was smoky and dark and gothy -- but there's a link to them anyway. go nuts.

SISTERS OF MERCY - WEBSTER HALL, NYC - 03/06/06

rock rock on

the warlocks are opening for sisters of mercy, so that should be good. i didn't go to ted leo because (1) i'm an asshole, and (2) it was cold out, and (3) no one would go with me. right now, i'm planning my day in nyc, which so far consists of shopping, shopping, lunch, and shopping... clothes, records, and food are all anyone really needs anyway.

i'm watching the oscars because jon stewart is hosting, but frankly, i could give a shit about them. i'm also downloading audiobooks to listen to in the car on the way to new york (and, on saturday, montreal).

hp4 comes out on dvd on tuesday. somehow, i missed it in the theater.. i guess that's what happens when one holds one's breath.

i guess i've stopped doing that.

i'm told it's for the best, but i already feel like something is missing.

i guess we'll see.

day one of my new life

stayed in bed 'til 4, then allie came over and we drank (a lot). conor and monique came over around 11 or so, which was fun... i hadn't seen them in ages, and there's never a dull moment when conor's around ... tonight, for example, he huffed some canned air and started shaving my cat. he said he wanted to give him a mohawk; i thought he just meant on top of his head, which sounded cute, so i told him to go for it .. he assured me he would make the cat beautiful, but he started by shaving his sides and his leg. i got a little bit nervous and made him stop, but he swears if i had just let him finish, it would have been like 'a work of art'. obviously. i got a call back about the job i applied for at the new barney's that's opening in copley place. it's a receptionist position, so i don't have to deal with customers, and it's temporary, which is pretty perfect. obviously, since i'm an asshole who never checks her voicemail, i didn't get the message til late, so i have to call on monday and hope it's still available. i just want the discount... and an excuse to get dressed up once in awhile.

ted leo is tomorrow night, and i think i might be going alone.. real cool, right? i need more friends.. preferably the kind who never have plans on saturday nights. i'm going to see sisters of mercy in nyc on monday, and in montreal next weekend. i really just need to get the fuck out of here, and seeing them seemed like as good a reason for a roadtrip as any. i miss new york terribly; i'm driving down early on monday so i can spend some time in the city before the show.. i wish i could just stay there 'til it's time to go to london. fuck this place.. and its big messes.. and its stupid memories.

i'm going to bed.

LETTING GO

lately, i've been thinking a lot about 'letting go'. it used to be something i was good at, for better or for worse .. a skill i developed at a young age, when the prospect of sorting things out or clearing the air or rebuilding a burned bridge was more than i cared to invest (and, frankly, more than most of the people i was involved with at the time deserved). it wasn't until i was almost 21 that i finally found a group of people i didn't think i'd have to worry about those things with; people i thought i could rely on; people who i thought would always be around. these people are all still around, but it isn't the way it used to be. that's my fault as much as any of theirs.. we've all gone our separate ways, and i don't begrudge any of them the potential happiness they are all out there trying to find... on the contrary, i want nothing but the best for them, even if that means i don't get to have them around as much as i might like to.

it's so weird to consider how different all of my friendships are; how much the dynamics vary from person to person, and how, despite our individual differences, we all manage to come together to form the most hilarious, supportive, wonderful group of people i've ever been lucky enough to be a part of. i love how much all of my friends respect each other, but i wish we all had more respect for ourselves (especially me). i love how we can all see the amazing qualities that the others possess, but i wish we could all see those qualities in ourselves. i wish that for everyone, really, not just the people i'm close to. i love how much faith we put in each other; how we really think there's nothing any of us could do, if we put our minds to it ... i just wish we, or at least i, would put our minds to it one of these days. i love how accepting and open-minded we all are of each other .. occasionally to a fault, but always with the best of intentions. i never know where to draw that particular line; it's nice to know i'm not the only one.

anybody who knows me has obviously seen that i've been struggling lately .. with school, with my apartment, with 'emotional issues' .. with life in general, really. i don't say it enough, but thank you, all of you, for your support and patience and encouragement .. it means everything to me, and even if i forget to mention it, it never goes unappreciated. there is one situation in particular that i know has been particularly trying for everyone -- those of us involved, and those of us forced to sit on the sidelines and watch and listen as each passing week delivers more drama and bullshit and nonsense than melrose fucking place. every new situation that arises always seems to bear a striking resemblance to something i've already been though or seen or heard .. at the very least, it's never anything i didn't see coming, but regardless, i seem to have this tendency of positioning myself squarely in the line of fire, day in and day out. i'll be the first to point it out and laugh at myself before anyone else can try to 'call me out' on it, but it's really no laughing matter. i have always maintained the position that i have nobody to blame but myself, as i'm the one who insists upon staying down here in the trenches .. but i frequently wonder how any decent human being could possibly inflict this much aggravation, stress, insecurity, and uncertainty on anyone else .. particularly someone they purportedly 'love'.

the hardest thing about this situation is all the history that has gone into making it what it is today ... i have tried so hard not to let it build up; not to formulate expectations; not to let myself really experience the feelings.. frankly, they scare me half to death. what's even scarier, however, is thinking -- not once, but countless times -- that maybe it was finally okay to open up; that maybe things were changing; that maybe it was mutual; that maybe, even if we couldn't stop being scared, we could be scared together ... throwing it all out there, and watching as it all lands at my feet, because the person i thought was there to catch it isn't even paying attention because he's busy sneaking some other girl out the back door and hoping i don't notice .. or, perhaps, hoping i do.


when talking has failed.. and crying has failed... and pleading has failed... and hoping has failed... and the cute little presents have failed.. and thoughtful gestures have failed... and helpfulness has failed... and trying to be supportive has failed... and my cutest outfits have failed... and the trashiest lingerie has failed... and blogging has failed... and texting has failed... and i'm all out of ideas, and all out of motivation, and i've wasted more hours than i care to consider trying to figure out how to make things work.... have i failed? has love failed? and if love has failed.. and if this isn't what i thought, if it's never going to be anything, how, (barring indiscriminate promiscuous sexual encounters fueled by alcohol and remorse), do i get over it and get on with my life? how do i know when it's time to stop trying? and, more importantly.. what if i just don't fucking want to?