LETTING GO

lately, i've been thinking a lot about 'letting go'. it used to be something i was good at, for better or for worse .. a skill i developed at a young age, when the prospect of sorting things out or clearing the air or rebuilding a burned bridge was more than i cared to invest (and, frankly, more than most of the people i was involved with at the time deserved). it wasn't until i was almost 21 that i finally found a group of people i didn't think i'd have to worry about those things with; people i thought i could rely on; people who i thought would always be around. these people are all still around, but it isn't the way it used to be. that's my fault as much as any of theirs.. we've all gone our separate ways, and i don't begrudge any of them the potential happiness they are all out there trying to find... on the contrary, i want nothing but the best for them, even if that means i don't get to have them around as much as i might like to.

it's so weird to consider how different all of my friendships are; how much the dynamics vary from person to person, and how, despite our individual differences, we all manage to come together to form the most hilarious, supportive, wonderful group of people i've ever been lucky enough to be a part of. i love how much all of my friends respect each other, but i wish we all had more respect for ourselves (especially me). i love how we can all see the amazing qualities that the others possess, but i wish we could all see those qualities in ourselves. i wish that for everyone, really, not just the people i'm close to. i love how much faith we put in each other; how we really think there's nothing any of us could do, if we put our minds to it ... i just wish we, or at least i, would put our minds to it one of these days. i love how accepting and open-minded we all are of each other .. occasionally to a fault, but always with the best of intentions. i never know where to draw that particular line; it's nice to know i'm not the only one.

anybody who knows me has obviously seen that i've been struggling lately .. with school, with my apartment, with 'emotional issues' .. with life in general, really. i don't say it enough, but thank you, all of you, for your support and patience and encouragement .. it means everything to me, and even if i forget to mention it, it never goes unappreciated. there is one situation in particular that i know has been particularly trying for everyone -- those of us involved, and those of us forced to sit on the sidelines and watch and listen as each passing week delivers more drama and bullshit and nonsense than melrose fucking place. every new situation that arises always seems to bear a striking resemblance to something i've already been though or seen or heard .. at the very least, it's never anything i didn't see coming, but regardless, i seem to have this tendency of positioning myself squarely in the line of fire, day in and day out. i'll be the first to point it out and laugh at myself before anyone else can try to 'call me out' on it, but it's really no laughing matter. i have always maintained the position that i have nobody to blame but myself, as i'm the one who insists upon staying down here in the trenches .. but i frequently wonder how any decent human being could possibly inflict this much aggravation, stress, insecurity, and uncertainty on anyone else .. particularly someone they purportedly 'love'.

the hardest thing about this situation is all the history that has gone into making it what it is today ... i have tried so hard not to let it build up; not to formulate expectations; not to let myself really experience the feelings.. frankly, they scare me half to death. what's even scarier, however, is thinking -- not once, but countless times -- that maybe it was finally okay to open up; that maybe things were changing; that maybe it was mutual; that maybe, even if we couldn't stop being scared, we could be scared together ... throwing it all out there, and watching as it all lands at my feet, because the person i thought was there to catch it isn't even paying attention because he's busy sneaking some other girl out the back door and hoping i don't notice .. or, perhaps, hoping i do.


when talking has failed.. and crying has failed... and pleading has failed... and hoping has failed... and the cute little presents have failed.. and thoughtful gestures have failed... and helpfulness has failed... and trying to be supportive has failed... and my cutest outfits have failed... and the trashiest lingerie has failed... and blogging has failed... and texting has failed... and i'm all out of ideas, and all out of motivation, and i've wasted more hours than i care to consider trying to figure out how to make things work.... have i failed? has love failed? and if love has failed.. and if this isn't what i thought, if it's never going to be anything, how, (barring indiscriminate promiscuous sexual encounters fueled by alcohol and remorse), do i get over it and get on with my life? how do i know when it's time to stop trying? and, more importantly.. what if i just don't fucking want to?