a quick one before my battery goes away

http://staci.itsfun.be/newroom.html


pictures

more later; right now, i'm in the red

and also broke.. and starving

but at least i've found free wireless..

i miss you all.

... rainy saturday

so, i found one person to go to morrissey with me tomorrow.. lucky there isn't anyone else who's interested, as i can only find two of my (alleged) four tickets. c'est la vie.. anyway, at the very least, it will be nice to have somebody to hang out with. beyond that.. everything's up in the air. i don't know whether i'm coming or going; i have no idea where i want to be or when or why or how.. from the beginning, i said i'd do this AA style [you know, One Day At A Time], but lately i feel like i'm changing my mind every fifteen minutes, and i have absolutely no idea where to go from here.. all that 'follow your heart' bullshit is pretty much worthless when your heart has its head up its ass.

have it your way

i'm sitting in a burger king on regent street at picadilly circus.. they're playing that shitty r&b/rap/dance amalgamation that's all the rage on radio stations like jam'n or wzou or whatever it's called now, and it's been raining off and on all day ... mostly only 'on' when i'm outside, obviously, but i'm used to it. i paid 2 quid for an hour of internet access... had i waited twenty minutes til i got to kensington high street, i could have paid one, but it's worth an extra pound just to be somewhere else for a bit. it's nice to be 'downtown' because it's so hectic and busy and crowded that it makes me forget about being alone, and by the time i'm done pushing and being pushed and tripping over strollers ('baby buggies') and buskers and tourists and the like, i'm dying to be back in my room by myself. i just got off the tube here because i was on my way home from the british museum and it occurred to me that i didn't feel like going home. last night, i found out that there's a kitchen and washing machine/dryer on the ground floor of the building i'm living in, so that's helpful.

anyway, time is money, and i have to go find a train to oxford. three more morrissey shows to go .. tomorrow, saturday, and sunday.. will's birthday, the last show of the tour, he's back in london (morrissey, not will), and i have three extra tickets. maybe i'll just give them away, to people who would appreciate being there.. we'll see.

ummmm... that's it.

belkin54g

the ever-elusive wireless network i spoke of the other day (the one that's available from my room) is back.... it comes and goes at the most random and bizarre times... i hate not being able to depend on it.

i started school today. everybody i've seen so far seems to be from "the heartland".

(ew.)

... upstairs ...

thumpthumpthummp thumpthumpSQUEAKThumpthumpsqueeeeakthumpthumpthmpthmptmptmp.....thump....thump...thump..thump.thumpthumpthumpthump

i hate other people having sex

especially when i haven't for, like... three f'ing weeks

three very, very, very long f'ing weeks

HELL YEAH!!!!!

I'VE BEEN TRYING FOR THREE DAYS TO HIJACK SOMEBODY'S WIRELESS CONNECTION BUT I COULDN'T GUESS THE PASSWORDS AND SUDDENLY TODAY THERE'S A NETWORK THAT SOMEBODY CARELESSLY NEGLECTED TO MAKE SECURE AVAILABLE FROM MY ROOM.... AND HERE I AM!!!!

i guess somebody's looking out for me somewhere.... no idea how long it will last, but it just made my whole day ... it's strange, being in a different part of london.. i've felt so alone, and maybe it's stupid, but being able to get online makes me feel so much better.... it makes everything so much easier.. i have to go take advantage of it while i can.

yay!!

fuck that. i have enough character.

i started writing some shit but i erased it because i thought it sounded whiny and obnoxious, and i'm better than that. long story short.. i just got really upset about a bunch of things all at once (PMS and exhaustion certainly made it worse than it probably should have been)... and i was sitting here at this desk in my hotel room, crying (about nothing in particular, and everything in general), and it occurred to me that even my closest friend, geographically-speaking, is literally thousands of miles away. i don't even have so much as an acquaintance anywhere even remotely nearby.. i guess it just made me realize how alone i really am.. if something terrible happened and i ended up in the hospital or something, i know there are people who would drop everything to be by my side.. but regardless of how ready and willing and anxious they were to see me, it would be a minimum of ..hmm, probably at least 9 or so hours... i mean, the flight itself is only between five and six.. but by the time you got to the airport, through security, on the plane, off the plane, through customs, and to the hospital... i'd probably be either dead or all better, depending on the situation.

anyway.. my point isn't that i think something terrible will happen.. it's just that.. i don't know. there are so many different ways to keep in touch these days.. IMs and text messages and phone calls and emails and postcards and pictures and letters and telegrams and videos and so on.. but nothing takes the place of actually being there.. and nothing can change the fact that, regardless of how much i may want and/or need someone to be here with me, there are thousands of miles (and hundreds of dollars) standing between us, and they can't be taken lightly.

i just got back to london and i was having the best day until i checked my email.. i spoke with some person at some company about some studio apartment in west kensington yesterday, and i was a little sketched out to begin with, because i know these "flat finding" agencies are a total rip off.. if you email them about a property you see on their website, they write back with this generic form letter telling you to just come into their office.. then you get there, they charge you, like, 70 quid, and tell you the apartments on the website aren't available but "similar" ones are....

..anyway, i wasn't going to deal with them at all, but after i wrote back saying i wasn't in london, so i couldn't just stop by the office, and i needed something for the end of this week, he/she/it responded by saying they had this studio, blah blah, i'd have to take it from the 18th on (perfect; that's when i need a place anyway); i could go see it; i'd have to pay them 70 quid and give the landlord a week's rent as deposit; etc. ..... so i come back to london expecting something to be all set up.. and i get another generic, "come into our office" response... so now i'm freaking out a little bit, because i was sort of counting on this.. i mean, i was gonna go see it first, but it would have had to be really fucking horrendously terrible in order for me to say no to it .... is it all bullshit? did somebody else in the office intercept my last email and respond without realizing i had already passed the 'sucker' test? or maybe it's all just one big 'sucker' test, and i'm failing miserably..? all i fucking know is, i refuse to let these assholes dick me around, because it's way too fucking late for that kind of shit. if i don't have a place by saturday, i'm gonna end up getting stuck in the dorms, and..... fuck that. i refused to let myself get all excited about the prospect of having my own place until it really started to seem like it was all coming together.. i was so careful about staying realistic.. or i thought i was.. i tried to be. now, i'm just pissed.. and exhausted.. and i wish i had someone to talk to.

or... not even to talk to, really.

just to be with.

i know i can do it on my own if i have to.. i don't have anything to 'prove' in that respect.. to myself, nor to anyone else. it's all i've ever done. enough is enough.

nice one..

a quick one.. more later.

..so yesterday, as i was wandering aimlessly around nice trying to find my hotel (which,incidentally, i had actually walked right by at one point without noticing.. yeah, real nice) .. let's just say i wasn't exactly impressed. to me, nice looked like the skeezier parts of paris, but with palm trees, and i didn't see what the big deal about it was... but today, i found out. c'est magnifique! i'm working on resizing the pictures right now, so they'll be online soon.. stay tuned.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A

FUCKING


SHOOTOUT??




ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL??!!!!!!!!!!!

i will freely admit to not knowing shit about football.. i know about soccer; at least, i know how it's played (chase and kick ball around field; don't touch it with yr hands unless yr the one with the neat gloves; try to put it in the net that has a guy from the other team standing in front of it) ... but the other day, i decided i needed to adopt a team (excuse me... a 'club'), because it's so huge over here, and i'm sick of sitting around and watching everybody else have all the fun. i tried to do some internet research, but i think i actually knew less at the end of it than i had when i started out ... it's so overwhelming; all these cups and leagues and teams and clubs and divisions ... i'm sure it all makes perfect sense once you put it all together [no i'm not], but i just ended up more confused than ever, and i still have no idea which team is mine. right now, however, i'm watching the FA cup final.. it's liverpool v west ham, and evidently, west ham are like eight divisions below liverpool, which i assume means that somebody cheated, or something, but regardless.. eight divisions?? who even needs eight divisions? why are they even on the same field?? is this comparable to, say, the yankees ending up in the world series against the pawtucket sox? i have no frame of reference; i'm trying to piece it all together ... ANYWAY, i'm supporting west ham, at least today, because i always root for the underdogs... and i didn't even plan on watching the whole match; i was supposed to have gone to the laundromat two hours ago, but about 15 minutes into it, some dude from liverpool totally kicked the ball into the wrong fucking net and scored a goal for west ham, and i was hooked. then, some dude who evidently just started playing for west ham [and who, i gather, nobody had very high expectations of] scored another goal.. then some liverpool douchebags scored two before the first half [period? inning?] [uh.. jk] was out.. so it was tied... and then a few minutes ago this kid from west ham got what they tell me is only the second goal he's scored since he's been on the team, and now they're up by one again, but i don't know how much time is left, because the clock seems to be counting up rather than down .. what a weird fucking country. anyway, my guys [west ham, remember?] are doing me proud so far... keep it up, boys! .... WHAT THE FUCK

THAT FUCKING COCKSUCKING DOUCHEBAG WANKER STEVEN GERRARD JUST SCORED ANOTHER FUCKING GOAL FOR LIVERPOOL

now its tied, and going into extra time.... oh what the fuck? they HAD that shit! LOOK ALIVE!

no fucking WAY is my team losing their first game as my team ... maybe they don't realize they're only my team on a trial basis right now.. i need to shop around a little more before i can feel good about making a decision; i don't think it's the sort of thing you're allowed to change your mind about ... do they think that being A BUNCH OF LOSERS is the way to win my support?? .. if so, i have news for them: regardless of what the other team's song says... keep this shit up, and west ham (more like west SHAM) just may find themselves walking alone yet!


now if you'll excuse me .... i have to pound the rest of this tiny bottle of wine whilst i sit here in agony,forcing myself to watch the rest of the match ... it's so nerve-wracking.. i hate extra time! all it takes is one really bad move... or one really good move... and it's all over.... AGHGHGHBAHGJ!! I CAN'T WATCH...

..if we lose, i'm starting a riot!!!

..if we win, i'm starting a riot!!!!!

AWWWWW, poor steven gerrard has a cramp in his leg!

bubbles!!
WHATTTHTHTHTHHHHAE FUCCKCKCKCKKKKK

THAT FUCKING BALL WAS LITERALLY LESS THAN AN INCH AWAY FROM GOING IN

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! EVEN I COULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT IN!!! WHAT THE FUCK

IM GONNA THROW THE FUCKING TV OUT THE WINDOW IF THESE ASSHOLES DONT STOP FUCKING AROUND AND FINISH THIS GODDAMN GAME. ITS GIVING ME ANXIETY.

america should be so lucky..

i just realized that my round-trip plane ticket to nice actually cost less (65 pounds) than the one-way train ticket from leeds to london i bought yesterday (72 pounds).

unreal.

i love peanut m&m's

i'm not going to go into details regarding the ridiculous fucking bullshit i'm trying to sort out as far as my school here is concerned. i'm not surprised that something like this has happened, and it's a pain in the ass, but honestly, i'm finding it difficult to care about it very much, or to take it as seriously as maybe i should ... i've been in college, off and on, for almost six years .. by now, i've seen it all. nothing phases me. i have dealt enough stupid and unnecessary bureaucratic bullshit and red tape to last me ten lifetimes. i'm a fucking pro. i know how the system works, and i know how to make it work for me. i also know how to make it seem like the school is the one that fucked up, and i'm just the innocent victim, regardless of whether i am or not. that's useful anytime i do something really stupid or absentminded.. for example, forgetting to have a copy of my northeastern transcript sent to the study abroad application i applied to...

(i meant that as a hypothetical example.)

(obviously.)

anyway ... i'm waiting to hear back from them ... i just ran out of cigarettes .. and i'm in the same hotel i've been at every time i've been in london, but the room they gave me this time is incredible .. it has these really high ceilings, and there's a window that takes up all of the far wall ... it's literally at least 8 feet wide, and 12 feet high, and there's a tiny balcony on the other side of it. it's gorgeous outside, though it looks like it's getting a little cloudy ... fine by me.. i love london when it's kind of gray and drab, but still warm, and not raining.. i also love london when it's sunny and hot.. or cold and wet.. or on fire, like in 1666.. or under aerial bombardment, like in world war II... you get the idea.

goodbye, fair intenernet.. thou hast eaten away at enough of my precious time

just a heads up, in case anybody cares .. i'm off to madchester, blackpool, halifax, and blackburn; i'll be back in london on friday; i'm leaving my computer here. if you need me, or just miss me, please call. pleeeease, somebody, for the love of god, call. i'm so fucking sick of having nobody to talk to.

scratch that..

... the sun suddenly came out, and i didn't want to waste the afternoon sitting in a dark theatre watching a depressing film.. so i went to the park and read instead.

i may or may not have popped into h&m on the way back.

now i'm eating cookie dough ice cream and contemplating a nap.

i hate sundays.

i have a plan

i'm going to the movies.

nothing like a hungarian holocaust-memoir flick to brighten up the day, right?

sunday morning

i just woke up and it's 7:15 in london. outside.. well, it looks like london. it's not raining, but only just .. the sky is gray, and the streets are relatively quiet. i'm watching the news and trying to figure out if i'm really going to be able to stick it out here until july .. .and, if so, how i'm going to manage another whole month after that in paris. i know.. rough life; you poor girl; etc. ... i know i can't make any decisions right now, because once school starts, things will be different; i won't feel so alone.. but i was on the tube yesterday, and this american woman was talking loudly enough for everyone in our particular car to hear, about how when she was in okechobee after the hurricane the mosquitoes were as big as hummingbirds and they all carried west nile and heartworm and it's a wonder her poor dog didn't get infected and every month she gives him heartworm tablets and gets him tested yearly and she was just bit by a mosquito in london and wouldn't that be ironic if she survived the mega-mosquitoes in florida only to come to london and be infected with west nile virus and i seriously wanted to fucking hit her because honestly, who fucking cares? ... then i was in burger king and this american girl was all appalled when they told her she had to pay for barbecue sauce and i realized that i fucking hate americans, particularly americans abroad, and last time i had to go to school here with a whole bunch of them at least i had will and i didn't have to spend all that much time with anyone else.. but this time, it's just me, and there's no telling what the people who show up at school will be like. maybe they'll be great.... but maybe they won't.. and i don't have nearly as much patience as i used to for dealing with stupidity, be it mine or anyone else's.

NOTE TO SELF [weekend edition]:

shopping does not cure homesickness.

it does not cure anything.

it is, in fact, an affliction in and of itself.

all you've done for the past four days is bitched and bitched about how you have too much stuff.. but as soon as you get a little lonely, a little weepy, where do you go? a museum? ... a park? ... on a nice walk? ... to bed? ... hell no. you go to fucking topshop.

the biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig topshop.

yes, you got loads of adorable clothes that you couldn't get at home ... but, in breaking the promise you made to yourself [the one about not shopping], you have officially forfeited any right you may have had [not that you really had one in the first place; you're the one who packed those bags] to complain about how much shit you have.

fucking deal with it.

it was nice while it lasted.

the stuff of penthouse letters..

an alarm just went off somewhere outside, and it sounded exactly like the one that went off that morning... fuck, and i was doing so well.. but after that, you're all i can think about.

i hardly missed you at all today, 'til now..


that's obviously a lie.. but it's one thing to consciously choose to dwell on a certain person or thing.. it's quite another to find yourself abruptly confronted with something like that... some external event or sound or scent that you can't help but be subjected to.. even if it disappears as suddenly as it came, there's no telling what might be left in its wake


if you see this tonight, call me.. i don't care what time it is.

text me, at the very least.

fivel was the cutest!!

you know how in an american tale, they sing that "somewhere out there" song and everybody feels better knowing that even though they're not together, they're under the same sky, seeing the same moon and stars and shit?

yeah.... that's kind of how i feel about the internet.

new pics.. also added captions to the last set

pictures from grimsby [warning: quite grim] [note to self: enough with the fucking wordplay. it's not clever, amusing, or original in the least.]

the other day's london pics, with new captions. well.. i got sick of writing captions about two-thirds of the way through, but.. it's a start.

p.s.

i wanna go home.

only 95 days left...

... ughhghhhghhahghghhwblahrhg.

yeah. that pretty much sums it up.

tonight's the first of the 11 morrissey shows i'm going to.

it fucking better be good.

i fell asleep yesterday around 5 PM and woke up around 5 AM. i've been up ever since. it's almost 11:30 now. my train's at 1:35, but checkout is at 12, so i figure i'll just go hang out around kings cross.. i'm coming back to this hotel tomorrow, so i'm hoping they'll let me keep my bag in their storage room til then... i put everything i need for tonight in my carry-on, and i don't feel like dealing with anything else. too heavy. makes me sweat and ache, and there is only one thing i like doing that makes me sweat and ache... because i am a lady, i'm not going to go into details regarding what that one thing is, but you can bet your ass it's not carting my stupid heavy duffel bag all over god's green england.

[i'm seriously the worst traveler ever.]

i miss the cutes, my apartment, and most of all, you.

[you know who you are.]

over and out. more after the show.

somebody call me. i'm lonely.

pictures from today

i spent the better part of today hanging out in kensington, and i took some pictures.. gloucester rd. [where i'm currently staying], kensington gardens, our old dorm/classroom building, the swami store [where i used to buy a can of diet coke every morning... now regular coke] [i was thrilled to find that not only is it still open, but still owned and run by the same couple], kensington high st., etc. here they are. no captions yet.

http://homepage.mac.com/sufferlittlechildren/europe/PhotoAlbum14.html

breakfast of champions, summer 2003 style [diorshow mascara; hello kitty; ow! that one stung]

... it still hits the spot, but breakfast for one just isn't the same.. no offense, but i hope i stop missing you the way i do right now ... otherwise, there's no way in hell i'll be able to last 'til august.. or even mid-june.

it's quarter to nine in the morning and i'm about to head out ... i'm not entirely sure where i'm going, but the sun is shining, and london is waiting.

right now...

.. the sun is coming up in london, and i would give anything for some rice pilaf and peas.


(and by "rice pilaf and peas", i mean "sex".)

(and after the sex.... rice pilaf and peas.)

here is london...

it's 23:37 and i'm sitting in my hotel in london, having just woken up [awesome.. my internal clock won't be too fucked up]. i slept through the sisters of mercy, but i blame that on the fact that i got to the hotel at 9:30 this morning [after a six hour flight, and an hour and a half waiting in line at customs], only to be told that i couldn't check in until 1:30 in the afternoon... what choice did i have but to go shopping?? i found the jeans i've been looking for for weeks; i didn't know they even existed outside of my head, but evidently they've been at topshop all this time.. who knew? [well.. i had a hunch.] something will have to be done about all the shit i've brought with me ... i thought i was doing so well, packing everything into the medium-sized ben sherman duffel bag [incidentally, that bag is one of the best bargains i ever got; $12.99 at tj maxx because some douchebag spilled a bottle of juice in it and then returned it; i threw it in the wash as soon as i got it home, and it came out looking as good as new] ... anyway, everything fits, but it's heavy as fuck, and there is no way in hell i'm gonna be able to lug it around with me for the next 18 days. after that i'll be in the dorm, so it's not an issue, but in the meantime, i think i would be wise to find a luggage storage facility and drop off about half of everything i have.. otherwise, i foresee big problems along the lines of "i don't fucking care if i have tickets and a reservation, i'm not dragging all this shit to another fucking train station!"

it's so weird to be back here after three years ... so much has changed, but so much hasn't, and i'm surprised how comfortable and familiar everything still seems. there's always been something about this place ... i loved it from the first time i visited, in 1999.. then, in 2003, it took on a whole new significance; it was all ours, if only for a few weeks.. and now, here i am by myself, sitting in this tiny hotel room behind the gloucester road tube station, eating potato crisps and a baguette.. and i'm fine, happy, excited, etc. to be here.. but right now, it's not any one person in particular that i miss; i just miss "home".. my kitchen; my bathroom; my washer/dryer.... having all my stuff in one place... ordering food on the internet... cold cans of coke in the fridge.. and it's occurring to me that no matter who comes to visit, or when, it's going to be a long time before i get back to all that, and that's the hardest thing of all.. as much as i may like to pretend otherwise from time to time, when it comes down to it, i'm not a traveler. i don't like the unknown or the unexpected; i don't like being 'on the go' .. i do like new places and cultures and people.. but i hate packing, hate sleeping on other people's sheets, hate being on other people's schedules, hate trying to find something cheap and halfway decent to eat that doesn't have to be cooked or prepared, hate not having my own space, hate not seeing the cutes... i guess i just kind of hate not being at home.

here goes nothin'..

[i wrote this yesterday, before i left, but it didn't publish properly so i'm re-posting it now.]


.. i'm about to shut my computer off to put it in my carry-on bag.

the next time you hear from me, i'll be in london.


(!!!!!!!!)


[freaking out.]

[in a good way.]

[i am so glad you're coming over. a parking lot is no place for a proper goodbye.]

everyone keeps telling me what an amazing time i'm going to have ... how jealous they are; how much they wish they could just drop everything and take off to europe for the summer ... and i know what an amazing opportunity it is, and how unbelievably fortunate i am to be experiencing it... and i am excited, on some level; somewhere underneath all the anxiety and fear and stress.... and i know it's gonna be amazing, once i finally get there and get going.... but right now... i would give anything for a few more days to get ready; a few more days to spend with you and the cutes; more time to say goodbye to my family and to revise my packing list six hundred times... this week went by faster than i ever imagined it would, and i hate myself so much for wasting even one minute of it on stupid, petty, trivial bullshit.. will i ever learn??