i just got back to london and i was having the best day until i checked my email.. i spoke with some person at some company about some studio apartment in west kensington yesterday, and i was a little sketched out to begin with, because i know these "flat finding" agencies are a total rip off.. if you email them about a property you see on their website, they write back with this generic form letter telling you to just come into their office.. then you get there, they charge you, like, 70 quid, and tell you the apartments on the website aren't available but "similar" ones are....

..anyway, i wasn't going to deal with them at all, but after i wrote back saying i wasn't in london, so i couldn't just stop by the office, and i needed something for the end of this week, he/she/it responded by saying they had this studio, blah blah, i'd have to take it from the 18th on (perfect; that's when i need a place anyway); i could go see it; i'd have to pay them 70 quid and give the landlord a week's rent as deposit; etc. ..... so i come back to london expecting something to be all set up.. and i get another generic, "come into our office" response... so now i'm freaking out a little bit, because i was sort of counting on this.. i mean, i was gonna go see it first, but it would have had to be really fucking horrendously terrible in order for me to say no to it .... is it all bullshit? did somebody else in the office intercept my last email and respond without realizing i had already passed the 'sucker' test? or maybe it's all just one big 'sucker' test, and i'm failing miserably..? all i fucking know is, i refuse to let these assholes dick me around, because it's way too fucking late for that kind of shit. if i don't have a place by saturday, i'm gonna end up getting stuck in the dorms, and..... fuck that. i refused to let myself get all excited about the prospect of having my own place until it really started to seem like it was all coming together.. i was so careful about staying realistic.. or i thought i was.. i tried to be. now, i'm just pissed.. and exhausted.. and i wish i had someone to talk to.

or... not even to talk to, really.

just to be with.

i know i can do it on my own if i have to.. i don't have anything to 'prove' in that respect.. to myself, nor to anyone else. it's all i've ever done. enough is enough.