bloody hell

23 hours and 50 minutes til takeoff and i haven't packed a thing ... i also don't know where i'll be staying, with the exception of tuesday night.. or how i'll be paying for any of it (somehow, i neglected to consider implications of the fact that i don't have a working atm card until now).. i'm supposed to drop the cats off at jenn's tonight, but i'm not ready to say goodbye to them.. or to anybody else, for that matter.

an open letter.

i can't look at the countdown anymore. it's too close, and too real.


i thought i would get to spend this entire week with you; that you would want that as much as i did ... to be fair, i guess i didn't really think that, or expect it, but i hoped for it as hard as i could and thought maybe for once i'd get lucky... not this time, i guess. i thought you would have had your visit planned ages ago, and that you would do whatever you had to do to make it happen ... i wonder if you truly understand how much it would mean to me to be able to share this experience with you, even if only for a week or two ... i kind of doubt it, and i don't think there's anything i can say to convince you.. i've said it all already, and nothing seems to work... and i'm sick of trying to convince you; i wish you could just know ... i thought maybe these last few days would go off without a hitch for once; that i would keep my emotions in check, and you would keep your temper under control, and for a few days, we would be the only people in each others worlds ... but that's never happened before, so why should it start now? and furthermore.. why do i still continue to believe, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that there is a chance that someday, things could change? ... actually, i know why. it's because i have absolutely no fucking idea what i would do if they don't. i try so hard not to establish expectations, and not to think of you as anything more than my best fucking friend, but it's impossible. i may be able to control how i 'think of you', but i can't do anything about how i feel.. and i still have absolutely no idea what to do about that. i never asked for all these stupid feelings, but i have them, and evidently, i'm stuck with them... but if you don't want anything to do with them, or you can't reciprocate, then where does that leave me? sometimes i wonder if i should just go out and find someone else... someone.. i don't know... easier..? ... smart, funny, motivated ... wants the same things that i do ... isn't afraid of commitment... lets me take care of them, and takes care of me in return... someone who adores me.. someone i don't have to work so hard at, or think so much about... someone who doesn't leave me guessing, or leave room for interpretation ... someone "good enough" .. that's all anyone who isn't you could ever be. you're in a league of your own; before you, i didn't even know feelings like this existed... i had no idea it was possible to love somebody so much, and in a lot of ways, that made everything so much easier.. the bar was so much lower.. there was so much less at stake... and now i don't know what to do, because i don't think "good enough" is something i could live with.. but do i have a choice? sometimes i think about everything we've gone through, especially this past year or so, and i can't believe some of the things i've put up with ... all i've ever wanted is for you to be happy, and for your life to be anything and everything you want it to be.. and i've tried so hard, for so long, to do anything and everything i could to help make that a reality, but it was never enough; i was never enough... i'm beginning to think that maybe i never will.. i hope that someday, you realize that you deserve to be happy.. until then, you won't be, and there's nothing that i (or anyone else) can do about it.

it's 5:34 AM, i'm lonely, and i'm going to bed.

the knight of cups

This is the moment to apply yourself fully.

The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible.

The Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position advises that you jump into your new situation with both feet. Get involved with what is happening in the present. Think no more about the route you had to travel to get back here. There is no need to be cavalier about the seeming familiarity.

Look deeply at the underlying values here. You may find that they represent something you mistakenly rejected in the past. Be humble enough to look at things through new eyes. At a deep level, your heart and soul are being nourished. Don't be tempted to run away again -- this is where you belong. Your entire journey was designed to bring you home with new appreciation.

high treason, global domination, spring cleaning, and a cuten army

i've been listening to the smiths for hours. today was the weirdest fucking day.


thanks to allie and jenn, upstairs is immaculately clean.. it's pretty amazing. it feels like late 2004/early 2005 in my apartment today; i have no idea what it is that's contributing to that vibe, but it is unmistakeable. it's a little bit amazing, and a little bit depressing. lately, that seems to be the trend.

there is so much on my mind, but i have nothing to say right now. i'm so fucking .... aghh. i don't know what i am.. except i do know that i'm exhausted.. and that being exhausted has a tendency to turn me into an impatient, demanding, overly-sensitive, reactionary douchebag... [i just had the creepiest deja vu...] ... anyway, as i was saying, i'm tired, and i have no way of knowing whether that's what's causing me to feel the way that i do about certain things right now, or if i've actually legitimately reached the end of a rope that was far too long in the first place. when i wake up, maybe i'll be able to sort it all out.

i can't believe i'm leaving in four fucking days. it's surreal. i'm scared.. but in a good way.

that's all.

catch ya on the flip-flop

i've just decided that CB jargon is the new internet slang. do yourself a favor and get on board .. here's a glossary to start you off.


also, i decided that cats should really be called "cutes" instead... who do i see about that?

the countdown is on..

the summer of staci begins on monday, may 1, 2006 at 8:00 PM EDT.

go here to see how much time the world has left to prepare.

OMG.

eight days ...

... it's really happening.


i kind of can't believe it. every day, it hits me a little bit more. i'm ready for it ... i'm nervous and scared and excited and overwhelmed, but i'm ready. it needs to happen.. it's meant to happen. the way everything fell (and continues to fall) into place is ... i don't know what it is, exactly ... but it's definitely not just coincidence. i don't expect it to be easy, but i know it's going to be significant, and on so many levels....

there's so much shit in my head right now.. words, ideas, songs.. random pieces of useless information [i collect them, because maybe they won't be useless forever.. or to someone else.. you never know].. anecdotes and pictures.. memories.. they all keep interrupting each other. i can't keep up... and i can't believe it's turning into daytime again.

i should have been in bed at least twelve hours ago. tonight was amazing, but the whole time i was out, all i could think about was how much i miss my bed, and how amazing it would be to crawl into it and stay there until tuesday or wednesday of next week.. and now i'm home, and somehow it's already sunday morning, and i'm sitting here in my pajamas and smoking a joint and it's totally silent.. no tv, no music, no cat fights.. and for the first time in months, i am starting to remember how nice it can be to be by myself... and i am starting to wonder why i ever forgot in the first place.

it's time for a new song.

its times like these i wish i had a remote control for the time zone

when i was sixteen, i was a counselor at brooks day camp in north andover. for forty hours every week, for eight weeks, my co-counselor and i tried to keep our group of twenty or so nine- and ten-year-olds quiet, happy, in line, and out of trouble. despite the fact that every activity we escorted the campers to was run by its respective staff member(s), the group counselors were occasionally asked to help out. this was particularly true when it came to boating, as the campers weren't allowed to be out on the lake unless they were accompanied by a counselor or CIT. now, there were at least eight boating counselors, hired for the explicit purpose of padding and/or rowing themselves and the campers merrily around lake cochichewick, day in and day out. in addition, there were two CITs whose sole responsibility was to assist the boating staff in facilitating their ostensible goal of introducing each and every camper to the joys of maritime activities. regardless of this fact, for one reason or another [the most frequently observed reasons being the propensity of certain members of the boating staff to either [1] laze about on the docks, gossiping, sunning themselves, listening to queen's greatest hits on a boombox, and generally trying to resemble an abercrombie and fitch catalog, or [2] take off in the camp's one motorboat for all or most of a particular group's boating time, under the guise of 'ensuring waterfront safety'


i don't feel like finishing this. long story short, i had to take some bratty kids out in a canoe, despite my life-long aversion to boats (not to the boats themselves so much as the murky, cold, dark, dirty water in which they float... actually, not so much the water itself as the potential for being suddenly and unexpectedly submerged in it) and the fact that before that day, i had never set foot in a canoe in my life. there was this big rock in the middle of the lake, they begged me to let them get out and stand on it, and i did. then i left. straight up ditched them all, right there on the big stupid rock. i took the canoe and turned it around and started paddling towards shore. they laughed at first, but when i didn't turn back for them right away, they started getting nervous.

all i have to say is, those kids are lucky i have a conscience.. otherwise, they might still be on that rock today.

yeah.

that'll teach them to make me canoe.


that was my first and last summer as a camp counselor.

go figure.

oh yeah.. pictures

http://homepage.mac.com/sufferlittlechildren/PhotoAlbum13.html

b'day

it's a litle past 6 on saturday morning..everyone left about an hour and a half ago, and nick at nite has given way to saturday morning cartoons, and i am exhausted. we were supposed to go out for my birthday tonight (last night, i guess), but for the most part, we ended up hanging out here. as far as i'm concerned, that's way better than some shitty, loud club/bar where you have to overpay for drinks and can't smoke or choose the music.

more tomorrow, or the next time i feel like writing. right now, it's time for bed.

wish you were here.

angst in my pants

they definitely just played sparks on the gilmore girls.

i knew i liked that show for a reason.

bleghhhhh.

i'm bord, lonely, and it's one of those nights where i don't really want to go down to bed and end up lying there alone in the dark with my stupid thoughts.

on the bright side.. i got a new kitten yesterday. her name is brigitte bardot and she is exquisite. i am now the proud owner of the two most amazing cats in the world. i had absolutely no intention of getting a second cat, but i went with jenn to pick hers up, and the family she got her from hadn't found a home for this one yet. they told me she had 'behavioral problems' and wasn't that into people, but i picked her up and she fell asleep in my arms ... there was no way i couldn't take her home with me. pics here.

thank you, captain obvious.

US plans Iran strike - report

yay!!! =D

it's sunday morning and i'm listening to ted leo and it's springtime and the sun is coming up, and for the first time in what feels like a long time, i am so, so happy ... and for the first time in what i know is a long time, i'm not ruining it by worrying about whether or not it's going to last... or trying to figure out what i can do to make sure it does... or making mental lists of all the different things i could do to potentially fuck it all up. i'm just accepting it and enjoying it, because i think i deserve it, even if only for a little while. even on my worst, lowest days, i know i'm still more fortunate than a lot of people are on their best, and i try really hard not to ever lose sight of that fact. it's important to keep shit in perspective. i am so thankful for so many things, and so many people, and i sometimes feel like i don't acknowledge that fact nearly as much as i should. i'm trying to be better about that.

i truly had every intention of going to bed hours ago, but just as i was getting ready to head downstairs, the latest addition to my buddy list [who shall remain nameless] signed on to aim. we started talking, and before i knew it, nearly four hours had passed, and we still hadn't run out of things to say to each other. now it's nearly quarter to nine in the morning, and it's looking like for the first time in my life, i might actually get to my little brother's hockey game on time, albeit slightly exhausted.

no matter.

i'll sleep when i'm dead.

more later, if the mood strikes me.

happy sunday!

time for blogthings!

Your Political Profile

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list. You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year. Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good. Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

You Are 29% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well. But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

How Selfish Are You?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 17% Pure

For you, it's all kiss and no talk. You're in a permanent lip lock.

Kissing Purity Test

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

You Are 28% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at low risk for having a borderline personality. It is unlikely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun. You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life... Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

You Are 84% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out! Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand. You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting. You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

Your Stripper Song Is

My Love Is Like ... Wo by Mya "My love is like...wo My kiss is like...wo My touch is like...wo" You're the full package - and you let everyone know it!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You don't really value honesty. You do value getting your way, no matter what. And if a little lying is required to do that, no problem. A few white lies never hurt anyone (at least, that's what you tell yourself!) Generosity: You value generosity highly. So much so that you often put your own needs last. There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart... But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy. Humility: You value humility highly. You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are. And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better. You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

Your Quirk Factor: 85%

You're beyond quirky... You're downright bizarre. You've lost touch with social norms and what's appropriate. And you're loving every minute of it!

How Quirky Are You?

au contraire, morrissey ... it is YOU who has killed ME.

i am listening to ringleader of the tormentors in its entirety for the very first time.

i'll be back with my thoughts after i hear it the whole way through about twenty five more times and have memorized all of the lyrics.

sometimes..

..i wonder if i'm just scared to let go.

wow.

i just freaked out for a second when the clock on the cable box automagically jumped to 3:00 from 1:59, but luckily, i remembered that it's just daylight saving [contrary to popular belief, it's not 'daylight savingS'] time.

i have absolutely no idea why...maybe it's just the change of season and the nice weather, or mercury reverting back to its typical orbit, or something else entirely.. but for whatever reason, over the course of the past week or so, everything that's been wrong seems to be getting a little bit closer to being right.. or at least being on the right track.. and i am starting to remember what it's like to be stuck in a cycle of positivity and awesomeness and happiness and love and hope.. it beats the hell out of the cycle of shit i spent all of the winter perpetuating

for the sake of my own personal sanity..

... i'm going to tell myself that it's all just one big fucking april fool's joke, and i'm going to go out and have fun and pretend that i don't give a shit where you are, or what you are doing, or with whom.

maybe someday, i won't.

i like machines better than people because they're more predictable and they only do what you tell them to

you know how sometimes out of nowhere a bunch of people you haven't spoken to in ages suddenly all come pouring back into your life, forcing you to go back and think about why you lost touch with them in the first place and whether or not you want to (or should) even bother trying to let them back in?

yeah ... i'm totally having one of those weeks.