an open letter.

i can't look at the countdown anymore. it's too close, and too real.


i thought i would get to spend this entire week with you; that you would want that as much as i did ... to be fair, i guess i didn't really think that, or expect it, but i hoped for it as hard as i could and thought maybe for once i'd get lucky... not this time, i guess. i thought you would have had your visit planned ages ago, and that you would do whatever you had to do to make it happen ... i wonder if you truly understand how much it would mean to me to be able to share this experience with you, even if only for a week or two ... i kind of doubt it, and i don't think there's anything i can say to convince you.. i've said it all already, and nothing seems to work... and i'm sick of trying to convince you; i wish you could just know ... i thought maybe these last few days would go off without a hitch for once; that i would keep my emotions in check, and you would keep your temper under control, and for a few days, we would be the only people in each others worlds ... but that's never happened before, so why should it start now? and furthermore.. why do i still continue to believe, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that there is a chance that someday, things could change? ... actually, i know why. it's because i have absolutely no fucking idea what i would do if they don't. i try so hard not to establish expectations, and not to think of you as anything more than my best fucking friend, but it's impossible. i may be able to control how i 'think of you', but i can't do anything about how i feel.. and i still have absolutely no idea what to do about that. i never asked for all these stupid feelings, but i have them, and evidently, i'm stuck with them... but if you don't want anything to do with them, or you can't reciprocate, then where does that leave me? sometimes i wonder if i should just go out and find someone else... someone.. i don't know... easier..? ... smart, funny, motivated ... wants the same things that i do ... isn't afraid of commitment... lets me take care of them, and takes care of me in return... someone who adores me.. someone i don't have to work so hard at, or think so much about... someone who doesn't leave me guessing, or leave room for interpretation ... someone "good enough" .. that's all anyone who isn't you could ever be. you're in a league of your own; before you, i didn't even know feelings like this existed... i had no idea it was possible to love somebody so much, and in a lot of ways, that made everything so much easier.. the bar was so much lower.. there was so much less at stake... and now i don't know what to do, because i don't think "good enough" is something i could live with.. but do i have a choice? sometimes i think about everything we've gone through, especially this past year or so, and i can't believe some of the things i've put up with ... all i've ever wanted is for you to be happy, and for your life to be anything and everything you want it to be.. and i've tried so hard, for so long, to do anything and everything i could to help make that a reality, but it was never enough; i was never enough... i'm beginning to think that maybe i never will.. i hope that someday, you realize that you deserve to be happy.. until then, you won't be, and there's nothing that i (or anyone else) can do about it.

it's 5:34 AM, i'm lonely, and i'm going to bed.