bustin' out

i have this fantasy where i wake up one morning [or, okay, evening, realistically] a,get in my car, start driving, and never look back. it will never happen like that, but it's fun to imagine. tonight, i am modifying/downsizing that fantasy to adapt to the unfortunate practicalities of the reality i am currently experiencing [the one in which i have certain responsibilities and obligations and connections i can't just abandon, although the more i think about it, the less i can ignore the fact that i really am the only thing standing ni my way , and that it would be infinitely less difficult to turn my whole life upside-down [or downside-up or inside -out or whatever] than i allow myself to believe ... no, not believe ; accept. there are a lot of conflicts, still,between the beliefs/values i feel intrinsically [and have always felt] and those i have been exposed to/imprinted with over the course of my life ... the major problem is that i know exactly what i'd do if i existed in a vacuum and none of my actyiions were going to have any ef impact on anybody else.. disappoint anybody.. confuse anybody.. hurt anybody.. etc. ... but i don't exist in a vacuum, even if i sometimes act like i do... and i try really hard to be rmindful of that fact, and considerate of those around me.. particularly those i care about.... and, okay, at the heart of it,really, t99% of the time, is, "but what my mother going to think about that?" ... ironic, since i think she thinks i don't factor her in at all when it comes to making lifedecisions and whatnot .... and sad, because i'm sure all she ultimately really wants is for me to be happy, and all i really want is for her to be proud of me.. or, no, approve of me, at least .. so i'm sacrificing my personal happiness to try to make her happy, trying to finish school and whatnot,and i am failing miserably, and nobody's happy .... whereas if i were doing what i really wanted to be doing, chances are i would eventually be successful with it, as that's how things tend to work out (Whether you choose to see/accept that is your own deal,but you're probably gonna have a long and difficult and ultimately wholly unfulfilling existence if you don't) ... and i'd be happy, and she;'d see that, and she'd be happy , and..... okay.

i know what to do now.

turn on, tune in, drop out.


but first, i'm going for a drive.