WRONG, SIR

this is not here now ... but, for the sake of easing the transition, i guess it wouldn't kill anybody to post today's entries in both places.

[REPOST FROM http://www.lesmorts.net/wordpress/]

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TITLE: HERE’S THE THING …. [the overly verbose and meandering, mostly confused, and ultimately somewhat pointless thing …]

.... and it's something that i sometimes think that maybe isn't quite clear:

I DON'T GO LOOKING FOR THIS SHIT.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I DON'T WANT TO CARE.

i didn't ask about you tonight, but he mentioned you just the same; said he'd seen you not long after he'd last seen me last, which would have been thursday or friday of last week ... [you must have been pretty damn sick] ... you said you were in a rush, and you had a girl -- "girlfriend?" -- with you ... [" ... wait... uh oh, are you and him, like .. together? ... i thought you guys were just friends..." "we are, technically, but ... it's a long story ..."] [i stopped there, rather than bore anyone with the details ... for once.] ... he didn't know her name, or what she looked like ["... wasn't really paying attention, sorry!"], or anything, really, other than the fact that she was there ...


now, here's the $25,000 question:

what am i upset about?

A. the fact that you were with another girl, even though i have no idea who it was, what you guys were doing, or when any of it took place -- not to mention, in spite of the fact that you and i are just friends, and i have absolutely no right, whatsoever, to give a shit about anything you do, or anyone you do it with?

B. the fact that you told me you didn't call me because you were sick and asleep for all but two hours on thursday, throwing up on friday, etc., despite what was happening on saturday and the fact that i tried several times to get in touch with you, as i was both (1) terribly upset and (2) very much alone?

C. the fact that although i respect, and even appreciate, the fact that you generally keep me in the dark about anything that's going on in your life that you don't think i would be especially psyched to find out about, i somehow always seem to find things out anyway [without trying, despite what you might think (trust me ... i REALLY would rather just not know)] ... and even when it's nothing, and the only reason you didn't mention it is to save us both the aggravation¹ ... there's something about finding out by accident (or indirectly, or after the fact; whatever) that i can't fucking stand. it's ... dubious, i guess; regardless of the truth, or of anybody's intentions -- it feels too much like deception for me to ever really be okay with it

[ THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE HERE, BUT I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY WITH THE FOOTNOTES AND NOW I'M SICK OF THINKING ABOUT THIS SHIT; IN FACT, I MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS SHIT ANYMORE ... WHO KNOWS, MAYBE I FINALLY WROTE MYSELF SANE ]

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1. if i'm not mistaken, it goes a little something like this: (1) i get upset. (2) i tell myself that i have no right to be upset, but (3) i remain upset, regardless. (4) i try, desperately, to 'get over it', 'suck it up', and 'play it cool' (for my sake, as much as yours) ... unfortunately, i (4) fail, miserably, and (5) wait until the last minute to surprise you with the fact that i am not, in fact, okay with it -- probably by means of some shitty, catty, snide, offhand remark, one that inevitably leads to (6) a ridiculously overblown fight between the two of us (during which, one or both of us will say stupid, shitty, hurtful things that we may or may not mean, with or without thinking first); i will inevitably overreact, with (7) absurd amounts of crying, pleading, and begging; profuse (and, for what it's worth, sincere) apologies, and all kinds of half-assed (albeit -- again, for what it's worth -- well-meaning) 'excuseplanations' (same as the last time..... and the twelve thousand times before that); (8) you don't want to hear it; (9) i don't want to say it; (10) we're both sick of it, and -- daresay -- of each other; (11) i can't believe we've ended up here again, but -- yet again! -- (12) "i can't believe i can't believe it" ... eventually, (13) we both get over it, apologize, kiss, make up, etc. ... we never seem to learn anything, or understand each other any better; nothing ever seems to change, and the cycle never seems to end ... it can, and does, sneak up on us at any time; that, in my opinion, is the worst part of all of it... for me, anyway .... not knowing .... i don't know how i still never seem to see it coming ... i mean, don't get me wrong; i know it's out there .. but it always seems so abstract, when, in fact, it is quite the opposite ... and i always think it's so much farther away than it ever really is; even when it's happening, i can never seem to pin-point the exact moment when the shit and the fan cross paths; i always think that maybe i'll manage to diffuse it somehow, before it becomes "a big deal" (i won't; it's infuriating) ... somehow, no matter how many times we go through this, it never fails to catch me off-guard ... and i can't ever seem to get used to how it feels; it's never anything new, but it's always shocking, nonetheless ... somehow, i always seem to have forgetten about 'last time' by the time 'next time' rolls around ... not the events themselves (i'd give anything to forget some of them), but the feelings that accompany them ... and not 'forgotten', exactly; more like 'suppressed' ... no matter how 'over it' i think i am or how much 'progress' i think i've made ..... it's like that game 'minesweeper'¹: there are clues, sure.. but no matter how careful i think i'm being, i always seem to overlook something, and that's all it takes...

... or, to put it another way... as any number of elementary, middle, and high school math teachers seemed to find no end of delight in pointing out to me,i have a tendency to make "careless mistakes" ... i rush, or i'm overconfident, or i focus so much on one aspect or side or approach that i become completely oblivious to everything else ... and that's usually how it starts ... NO, not with me as the "poor, innocent, blindsided victim" ... on the contrary, i take full responsibility, because i should know better ,especially by now ... and i DO know better ..but for some reason, without fail,about halfway between foresight and hindsight, i always seem to develop tunnel vision .. and it only takes one oversight; one 'careless mistake' to trigger this god-awful, absurd, uncontrollable fucking cacophony of .. well, of shit, really; of memories and fears and thoughts and feelings; fantasies and delusions and hopes and disappointments; shit i didn't know i had felt or could feel; shit i thought i'd gotten over years ago; shit i didn't even realize i was affected by til years later; shit i thought i cared about that suddenly seems insignificant; shit i thought was trivial that suddenly seems like the only thing that matters .... it turns my fucking life inside out, even when it only lasts a few hours; it is unsettling and overwhelming and frustrating; sometimes it is helpful or informative or theraputic, but frankly, i'm sick to death of it; i'm sick of everything being all turbulent and fleeting and noisy; sick of my head and my heart and my past all clamoring for my undivided attention; sick of thinking; sick of reevaluating and readjusting; sick of searching ... most of all, i am sick of how i never feel like it's really safe to let down my guard all the way, so i don't... and then i get hurt anyway.

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1. i am hoping the 'minesweeper' analogy is sufficiently less melodramatic than a comparison to an actual minefield would have been; i realize neither is terribly creative, but i'm already about two hours (and 900 words) more invested in this particular topic than i would ideally care to be, and originality is starting to seem incredibly overrated

WE'RE MOVING...

http://www.lesmorts.net/wordpress/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE NEW ADDRESS
SOMEDAY, THIS ONE WILL STOP WORKING¹, AND YOU'LL BE LOST WITHOUT IT²

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1. not likely; it will eventually stop being updated, but there's really no reason to take it out of commission entirely
2. also not likely; it's not as though i'm providing some sort of invaluable service to humanity or anything .. i'm mostly just complaining, publicly ... ironically, that's one of my biggest pet peeves (well, when other people do it, at least).

THE MARISSTIONARY [FIRST INSTALLMENT]

[ the good times are killin me ]

horrorscope

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

You are quite determined today to fulfill your heart's desire, but you may be thwarted every time you make a move toward your goal. Fortunately you are not willing to give in to discouragement. Pick yourself up as often as necessary and start all over again. Although you aren't usually so persistent, today it will play out in your favor.

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i've been lying in bed trying to sleep for close to four hours now, with absolutely no luck.. there is absolutely no reason for this. it's an outrage. I AM TRYING MY BEST. THROW ME A FUCKING BONE. JUST LET ME SLEEP. WTF?!?!!????

equation

wallabees + kneesocks = fall

too many years

for so many years, i have wished that this could be more, to the point that i've somehow managed to convince myself that it should be more ... that it will be more .... but it's not, is it? ... the thing is.. i'm fairly certain that i could probably continue to delude myself for another five or ten years ; i could keep coming up with excuses and/or explanations for every little thing that went wrong; keep telling myself that someday, it will all be worth it, because we'll both eventually somehow get to wherever we need to be to realize just what we have and just how good we are together .... but once in awhile, i do actually emerge from my stupid, idealistic fantasy world [though usually not by choice] and take a look at how things really are ... and on a few occasions, i have encountered and considered the disturbing and overwhelming prospect that all of this might be nothing more than a ridiculous, romanticized pipe dream ... a lost cause ... but even on those days when i want nothing more than to accept it, believe it, give up, let it go -- for both of our sakes, but mostly for yours -- something has always prevented me from doing so .... and i want, desperately, to believe that there's a reason for that ..... but it scares me to think that maybe the only reason is that i'm too scared to see what my life looks like without the promise of an eventual ' "us" somewhere on the horizon .... or maybe i'm just being stubborn; maybe i just can't accept that this could have all been for nothing; can't deal with the possibility that maybe the moral to this story is something other than "good things come to those who wait" or "true love blah blah blah" .... but what if the only way to get to "happily ever after" is by leaving each other behind? because this isn't fair to either of us ... and it never seems to change, no matter how much i want it to ... and i, for one, don't think i can handle it for much longer..i don't think you can, either .... but the idea of you not being there is a million times more painful than anything i've ever felt as a result of anything we've been through has ever been ... so where the fuck does that leave me? or you?

all i ever wanted was for it to just be us... but not at the expense off our sanity or happiness or well-being .... for awhile, i thought it was something we both wanted ... or something we both wanted to work towards, at least ... the last thing i ever wanted was to take your life away from you... or to hurt you, or drive you crazy ...

all i have ever truly cared about is your happiness, and you doing what's right for you .. i'm sure it often seems as though those are the least of my concerns.. and i'm the first to admit that it's something i lose sight of, from time to time... but i promise you, that is what has always been at the heart of everything ...i and it always will be.




i don't know how the fuck we got here. ...but somebody, please... get us out

pffffffffft

The Relationship spread provides insight into the interaction between two people or entities. It is the spread of choice for questions about partnerships, be they in romance or business.

The card at the top left represents how you see yourself. Two of Cups (Love): The perfect harmony of union, in romance, friendship, or business. A deep and palpable connection radiating joy and contentment. A great concordance or pledge of fidelity. The joining of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The sanctification of the natural through that which exists on a higher plane. May indicate the meeting of a kindred soul, marriage, engagement, merger, or partnership.

The card at the top right represents how you see your partner. Ten of Cups (Satiety): Fulfillment and joy in life and love. Feeling peace, tranquility, and contentment in friends and family. Taking delight in one's good fortune.

The card in the center left represents how you feel about your partner. King of Cups: The essence of water behaving as air, such as a billowing cloud in the blue sky: Great maturity, endless patience, tolerance of other points of view, and a deep knowledge of human nature. One who intuitively knows the strengths of those around him, and gently cultivates them. Remaining calm and relaxed in all situations, and making artful use of diplomacy or a quiet word to resolve conflicts. The ability to listen to what another person is saying, and truly understand what is in their heart. A rewarding partner and a beloved leader.

The card in the center right represents what stands between you and your partner. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.

The card in the lower left represents how your partner sees you. Three of Pentacles (Works): The commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. The constructive use of creative talents, and the expression of artistry in workmanship. Skill and labor turned to the crafting of things of value. Using the conventional as a medium for expressing the exceptional, in order to build something of great renown and glory.

The card in the lower right represents what your partner feels about you. Seven of Cups (Temptation): Daydreams and things seen in the glass of contemplation. The scattering of energies by strong desires and unrealistic goals. The pursuit of illusions and the dissipation of energy on false choices. Intoxication, delirium, and hallucination, leading to the negation of effort. Under rare and extreme circumstances, may indicate the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth.

The card in the center represents the present status or challenge of the relationship. Nine of Cups (Happiness): Contentment and satisfaction in romance, friendship, or other relationships. Achieving your deepest desires and savoring beauty and sensual pleasures. A state of joy and abundance radiating fulfillment and bliss.

.... oops.

i shouldn't have done that.



well ... live, and learn, right? c'est la vie.. ?


=/

no i wont

it's too hard

where are you? ..i cant do this alone
i didnt start it alone...i cant finish it alone

you were supposed to be a part of this.. one way or another....

you ARE a part of it

maybe you don't see it that way


i said goodbye, or tried to.. and i apologized, for whatever the fuck that's worth..

i loved it, while it lasted, and i always will....
and maybe that seems ridiculous but to me it's very real,and overwhelming


i can't fucking believe i really have to go through with this. i always said i never would..

i can rattle off the list of reasons why it's "for the best" ...but they're not my reasons
and but i'll never fucking believe them

i'll go through with it, because i can't afford not to; because i don't trust myself... because maybe i'm right; maybe it's supposed to be different .... but maybe not ... and if i'm wrong,it's really not something i want to learn the hard way...

but i will always wish it could have been different
i will never forget how this feels...
and i will never make this decision again...

because right now, i feel like i'm staring at that old, proverbial fork in the road [the intersection of 'trite street' and 'cliche boulevard', perhaps] ... and [bear with me] i can't really see too far ahead.. ..but one street seems to sort of suddenly veer off in some abrupt and drastic direction..or maybe it's just very hilly,or poorly-lit; i don't know, but it seems.. interest ing .. challenging,to be sure, but maybe it's lined with really pretty pink flowers, or whatever.... anyway, the other street ... seems vaguely familiar.... and i stand there and squint at it for awhile, and all of the sudden, it dawns on me : that's MY street! there goes the ugg [ughhhhh] army, ..and the cargo pants brigade....and jesus christ, am i ever going to fucking get the fuck out of this godforsaken place? ..... and i hate it ... i mean, i appreciate it for what it is; i appreciate how fortunate i am to have what i have ..... but it's not working .....hasn't been for years.. i know i need a change....

...but right now..... with this decision.. i feel like i'mm foregoing the pink flowers and the potential for something new and exciting .... or new and terrible... but..different], at least , in favor of a road i've been walking up and down for six fucking years,and complaining about the whole goddamn time


that's a huge oversimplification and i know there are plenty of other ways to get off this path and onto a new one; i know this wasn't my one chance,oand maybe something a million times more appealing will come along in a few weeks or months that couldn't have happeened if things had gone differently ... but.. it's that whole thing about sitting around and watching shit happen,instead of making shit happen.... you know.. ... chalk another one up for me in the 'playing it safe' category


(sigh)

just so you know..

... this is not how i wanted this to be


so what. nothing ever really is.
i fucking deal.


i'll fucking deal.

amen.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

There is potential for upset today, but if you pay attention to what's most important, you'll be able to avert any conflict. If you encounter someone who is more emotionally engaged than you, you may try to avoid the intense interaction. Instead, try stretching yourself into the feeling realms. You may be surprised by how comfortable it all seems.

Hey, buddy, you must be very disappointed of it!

Good day to you Sir! Lots of men deal with this daily not knowing there's a comprehensive solution to the problem. Not just stopping it, but curing - Extra-Time conquers all reasons for the premature finish. You certainly wish to eliminate your frustration and the frustration of your partner about your bed games duration. Come on in: http://asutraloz.com/gal/get/ She won't want to get out of your bedroom, hoping other girls don't find out about you.

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[sometimes i almost don't even mind spam. it's frequently more entertaining than most of what shows up in my inbox.]

all i needed to hear.

i just ate a whole can of olives

i went to walmart at 4:00 this morning and suddenly, as i was wandering around the aisles aimlessly wondering what the fuck i was doing there, 'cemetery gates' by pantera comes on over the PA .....and for the next five minutes or so,everything made sense



after that,however... well. back to normal, i guess.


[this is so not normal.]

this house in JP costs less than my apartment did.

it has:

a lovely kitchen [shame about the yellow walls, but that's what paint is for]


a lot of stairs [and more ugly yellow walls; c'est la vie]


this cute bathroom, with a skylight

AND, most importantly,

outdoor space.



foresight, marissa.
next time.... have some fucking foresight.

Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?
this quiz was made by Lori Fury

Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Accept a Diamond Ring from Anyone, Under Any Circumstances, Even If They Really Want to Give You One

By Liz Stanton, CPE Staff Economist
02/14/02

1. You've Been Psychologically Conditioned To Want a Diamond
The diamond engagement ring is a 63-year-old invention of N.W.Ayer advertising agency. The De Beers diamond cartel contracted N.W.Ayer to create a demand for what are, essentially, useless hunks of rock.

2. Diamonds are Priced Well Above Their Value
The De Beers cartel has systematically held diamond prices at levels far greater than their abundance would generate under anything even remotely resembling perfect competition. All diamonds not already under its control are bought by the cartel, and then the De Beers cartel carefully managed world diamond supply in order to keep prices steadily high.

3. Diamonds Have No Resale or Investment Value
Any diamond that you buy or receive will indeed be yours forever: De Beers? advertising deliberately brain-washed women not to sell; the steady price is a tool to prevent speculation in diamonds; and no dealer will buy a diamond from you. You can only sell it at a diamond purchasing center or a pawn shop where you will receive a tiny fraction of its original "value."

4. Diamond Miners are Disproportionately Exposed to HIV/AIDS
Many diamond mining camps enforce all-male, no-family rules. Men contract HIV/AIDS from camp sex-workers, while women married to miners have no access to employment, no income outside of their husbands and no bargaining power for negotiating safe sex, and thus are at extremely high risk of contracting HIV.

5. Open-Pit Diamond Mines Pose Environmental Threats
Diamond mines are open pits where salts, heavy minerals, organisms, oil, and chemicals from mining equipment freely leach into ground-water, endangering people in nearby mining camps and villages, as well as downstream plants and animals.

6. Diamond Mine-Owners Violate Indigenous People's Rights
Diamond mines in Australia, Canada, India and many countries in Africa are situated on lands traditionally associated with indigenous peoples. Many of these communities have been displaced, while others remain, often at great cost to their health, livelihoods and traditional cultures.

7. Slave Laborers Cut and Polish Diamonds
More than one-half of the world's diamonds are processed in India where many of the cutters and polishers are bonded child laborers. Bonded children work to pay off the debts of their relatives, often unsuccessfully. When they reach adulthood their debt is passed on to their younger siblings or to their own children.

8. Conflict Diamonds Fund Civil Wars in Africa
There is no reliable way to insure that your diamond was not mined or stolen by government or rebel military forces in order to finance civil conflict. Conflict diamonds are traded either for guns or for cash to pay and feed soldiers.

9. Diamond Wars are Fought Using Child Warriors
Many diamond producing governments and rebel forces use children as soldiers, laborers in military camps, and sex slaves. Child soldiers are given drugs to overcome their fear and reluctance to participate in atrocities.

10. Small Arms Trade is Intimately Related to Diamond Smuggling
Illicit diamonds inflame the clandestine trade of small arms. There are 500 billion small arms in the world today which are used to kill 500,000 people annually, the vast majority of whom are non-combatants.

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i was looking for stuff about the metaphysical/healing properties of crystals and gemstones and i happened upon that. i'm just posting it as a PSA... nothing else.


not even subconsciously,or anything

[what do i look like.... a girl?]

THE FUCKING ALARM ACROSS THE STREET

YOU KNOW THE ONE



IT IS MY 'TELL-TALE HEART'

"TRUE! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses --not destroyed --not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad?"


ALBEIT IN A BLATANT AND OVERT WAY,AS OPPOSED TO A SUBTLE AND INSIDIOUS ONE


THOUGH I SUPPOSE IT'S THAT, TOO

"Now this is the point. You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded --with what caution --with what foresight --with what dissimulation I went to work!"

either way the point is that it's driving me fucking insane; it has been since i moved in here ... so typical: i find a street in boston that actually has one thing in common with that street in london...... and THAT'S the fucking thing.

"They heard! --they suspected! --they knew! --they were making a mockery of my horror!-this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! and now --again! --hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! "



one of these days it's going to be the death of me
[or, perhaps, of some unassuming passer[s]-by]

JOBS ARE BULLSHIT

SUBTITLE: WHY I HATE AMERICA [TODAY]

ACCORDING TO CRAIGSLIST [JUST BOSTON AREA] I COULD
GET A JOB WITH DYS AS A COUNSELOR [OVERNIGHT] TO AT-RISK YOUTH AND MAKE $ A WHOPPING $23,000/YEAR

---OR----

I COULD GET A JOB FIXING TVS
AND MAKE $19-$25/HOUR
[APPROX. $40-$45,000/YEAR]





[things that make you go hmmmmmmmm...]
[..... i mean balhghrhhhallallrleirheiohfsw8yhvbdfjkxnv kdrty89357uy8q32hrianIHY984TYSWGHVSDBNV KL/1!!!#@#%&$$%&!]

shuffle

sometimes itunes makes better playlists than i could ever hope to
[i.e. today]

Pregnant For The Last Time	Morrissey
How To Say Goodbye	The Magnetic Fields
Noise International	Loincloth
Centennial	Knapsack
This Might Be Satire	Propagandhi
One By One All Day	The Shins
Blew	Nirvana
Seventeen	Ladytron
Hold	Saves The Day
Sarcastic Existence	Sepultura
18,000 Lira	Art Brut
Rockin' Chair	Oasis
French Vacation	The Walkmen
Violet Tree	M83
Break-In	Fugazi
Action	Beehive And The Barracudas
Never Ending Cycle	Party Of Helicopters

25 september 2004

sept 25 2004

i haven't written because everything is perfect but if i start thinking about it too much i'm afraid it will all fall apart.

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