i wasn't ready for morning

... but look,there it is, and there's not really much i can do about it., is there?

maybe i do have control issues. respressed ones.

i guess they aren't actually "issues" if i know enough to repress them.. it's more like "control urges". or "control fantasies"... i mean.. of course i wish i could make people do whatever i wanted them to.. but i never want anybody to do anything they don't want to do just for me, or because of me.. well, secretly, i kind of do. i don't want anybody to change or anything, but sometimes i wish that people would want to do what i want them to, because i really don't have very many opinions on what anyone else should do, but any time that i do, i really don't think it's ever anything particularly demanding or unbearable... but then again, "a shoe that fits one person pinches another," and just because i think something is a good idea obviously doesn't mean it is objectively so, or that anyone who disagrees with me is wrong and a moron or mildly retarded or catholic or something.. well, i mean, it does, kind of ... but i would never actually say that ... except that i just did ... but in real life, i would have said it in my head.. or i would have meant to, anyway.

alright,enough. the point is ... i do wish that sometimes, i could control things. not all things... not even all the things you might expect... but some things.. but i can't, and i accept that i can't, because even if i could, and i did, people would probably end up resenting me. ... and i really, really,really can't stand the thought of being resented, so i'll deal with whatever i have to deal with in order to minimize the possibility of it happening.. hmm, so really, it seems as though the issues aren't actually about "control" at all.. it's more to do with satisfying my bizarrely selective need for approval.. [generally,i care way too much about what some people think of me , and not at all about others]... and i wouldn't say that i have an overdeveloped ego or anything, but maybe once i've made up my mind about a situation, or formulated an opinion on something, i might sometimes be a little bit unwilling to consider alternate perspectives ... but i do an awful lot of internal [and external] deliberating before i actually get to that point, and i know it's impossible to be completely objective all the time, but i'm actually quite good at detaching from a situation and giving equal consideration to as many different potential sides/viewpoints/outcomes/whatever
as i can possibly imagine.. and i have a very active imagination.

anyway, lots of things keep me up at nightt, but this isn't one of them. i don't even rememeber why i started talking about it in the first place... oh, yeah i do. because it's morning already. ... right.

who needs therapy?

sorted.

i'm off to get a coke.