for the past month or so, i've quite literally been spending at least two hours every single day sitting here looking through all the job listings i can find ,both because i need a job now and because i like to see what's out there so i can maybe at least begin trying to formulate some sort ....i don't know, goals, or something, i guess..? .... find some direction? i'm really just hoping that one day i'll stumble across some perfect opportunity and BAM! everything will instantly just fall into place, but i know better than to epect that..except,no i don't; i really see absolutely no reason why that isn't just as feasible as me settling for some piece of shit job that i hate and keeping it for the next thirty years because it's safe or comfortable or easier thantrying to start over or whatever .... because to be honest, that's pretty much where i see my life going unless i start turning shit around right quick...so i sit here..and i read all these job descriptions... and i see all the REQUIREMENTS and the PREREQUISITES and i see how all these employers are utilizing the same skeezy, bullshit marketing tactics that they use to attract customers to find employees and ... i ...ugh,

IT IS FUCKING INFURIATING

I THOUGHT I WAS JUST GOING TO BE OUTRAGED FOR ONE DAY THIS WEEK, BUT I THINK I MIGHT BE PERMANENTLY OUTRAGED,FROM NOW ON

because ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED since this whole thing started is that i have encountered more actual, live, admissible, indisputable validation of everything i always thought i knew and fucking despised about the way our society [barely] functions

and ALL I HAVE LEARNED is that there are SHIT TONS of jobs for anyone with a degree in anything... and i want absolutely nothing to do with any of them

I KNEW THAT YEARS AGO, but i went along with it all anyway because i thought that was just me being naieve and idealistic and spoiled and selfish; i thought i'd grow out of it; i was afraid to trust myself; afraid to disappoint anyone; afraid to fail...and i really thought that i'd be able to grin and bear it; suck it up and play the game,keep a low profile ... not "rock the boat".....

jesus christ... what the fuck is my deal?!???


i mean.... it is true that i never wanted to "rock the boat" ... what i actually wanted,what i have always wanted, what i will always want, is to fucking blow the fucking boat into seven hundred billion pieces

which i would then collect and keep in a shoebox.

then if i ever felt like making a mosaic,i wouldn't have to go out and break shit




[although,come to think of it,that's pretty much the only cool thing about making a mosaic, ... well,unless it's, like, 1160, and yr somewhere in the byzantine empire]...man... when it came to mosaics, those dudes did not fuck around ]